Different people manage conflict in different ways. We develop our strategies early in life and then we use these startegies throughout life in an effort to meet our needs. 

Usually we are not aware of how we act in conflict situations because we simply do whatever comes naturally.

What we all have is a personal strategy.

The good thing is that because it was learned, we can always change it by learning new and more effective ways of managing conflict in our lives and relationships.

Below are 10 ways that we may act when we are in conflict.

There are 6 styles that are actually harmful to us and our relationships. There are 3 ways that have some good qualities but also some drawbacks.

There is one style that would be considered the most productive when comes to dealing with conflict.

The avoider

Usually, someone who avoids conflict agrees, apologizes and accommodates but is often hiding their true feelings behind a smile and a laugh. Conflict creates anxiety and unwanted feelings.

It is a trigger that causes an uneasy feeling and the heart to race because of trauma in the past that has not been resolved.

The avoider will do almost anything to escape conflict.

Learn more about  Avoider

The Bully

The common style of the bully is the "My way or the highway" approach. It is a demeaning style that relies on name-calling, threats, sarcasm, taunting, hurtful jabs and often physical aggression.

The bully does not back down and thrives by trying to control and dominate others. Many bullies cover up their own feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem by putting down others. This style is toxic to relationships and harmful to those involved.

Learn more about  Bully

The Sulker

Sulking is a milder form of emotional abuse. It is a method used to control behavior. This style includes a refusal to communicate openly, often to the point of not speaking at all.

If the silence is broken, it is with inaudible chatter, slamming of doors or banging of dishes. It can be a sign of serious problems in a relationship.

Learn more about  Sulker

The Victim

The victim is an exhausting behaviour revolving around lack of trust, overreactions, acting helpless, blaming others and never taking responsibility.

Often, it comes with an over the top display of emotions, like crying, an expression of hurt or shame; however, there is rarely any authentic reflection and communication.

Lessons are rarely learned, and patterns are often repeated.

Learn more about  Victim

The vindictive

This is what is known as passive-aggressive style. Not necessarily harsh, but also not avoiding, the vindictive method wants power and control but is stealthier about obtaining it.

This person may appear submissive at points, but behind the scenes, there are vindictive and vengeful ideas forming.

This style can be extremely harmful to any relationship.

Learn more about Vindictive

The winner

The winner does have some of the same traits as the bully but uses them to win the conflict.

Rather than resorting to obvious abuse, the winner will compete to ensure that other viewpoints are eliminated through an aggressive style.

The winner uses both verbal and non-verbal behaviour to maintain control in the conflict, for the sole purpose of winning. Being right is secondary to winning.

Learn more about  Winner

The Compromiser

This style can be hit or miss.

As with any compromise, both sides win, but both sides also lose something. Yes, it shows some concern for others, but at the same time, there is a potential to sacrifice your own needs, values or concerns.

It can be a thin line to walk as too much compromise may breed resentment. If handled correctly, this style can allow for closeness and growth.

Learn more about  Compromiser

The Empath

This is a healthier style that allows for an environment that is open and accepting.

For this person, conflict is almost appreciated, and there is an understanding that in a healthy relationship an outburst of emotion is how someone may vent.

Empathy involves stepping into another person's shoes and understanding their point of view, which is crucial when dealing with conflict.

Learn more about  Empath

The Explorer

Like the Empath, the Explorer is also a healthy style.

The explorer uses conflict as a tool for growth and sees it as an opportunity to understand their partner better. They see conflict is an important time and opportunity to create awareness and develop cooperation in a relationship.

Conflict of some time is inevitable, so this person views it is an opportunity to keep the relationship dynamic and strong.

Learn more about  Explorer

The collaborator

Many consider that this style allows for the best opportunity to resolve a conflict.

The collaborative approach is a talking-together-process to develop a plan of action for the future that both people can feel good about.

Out of conflict, a new goal is created that allows for the growth not just for the relationship, but for each person as individuals.

More importantly, this style can also be used to prevent conflict from even occurring!

Learn more about  Collaborator

What if my partner won't fight fairly?

Whether or not your partner wants to fight fairly should have no impact on your decision to do so. In fact, it is even more important that you fight fairly when your partner will not participate. As long as you are fair and as long as you can have a basis for your approach, it should reduce the chances that a disagreement will escalate.

    You will be faced with some decisions along the way, but in the short term you can be proud that you have done what was right for you. Learn more about "Fighting alone".

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It is not clinical in nature.
It is made available to you as self-help tools for your own use.
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The methods described on this website are the authors’ thoughts. Just some thoughts, not all of them. There is simply not a single definitive set of instructions out there for personal development or for solving relationship issues. Go explore!

You may discover there are other methods and materials to accomplish the goal that you are trying to achieve.

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