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We are broken - Dec 8, 2020
I was paralyzed, but I'm now ready to speak.
I was broken, but I'm now ready to help.
I want to effect change in the world, but I understand that people are scared to listen... just as I was.
Through this darkness, we struggle. We struggle to connect, to find hope, to feel secure, to feel.
I want to help, but others must take the same chance that I did.
People are suffering with wounds they don't even realize that they have.
The challenge is trying to bring realization to people who so valiantly claim that they are already realized.
I struggle in knowing that the answers are out there, but they are hard for others to see.
Our ego's are getting in the way of simple truths. Truths we are not acknowledging because we are afraid.
Our society has encouraged our fear of these truths; has taught us to turn a blind eye to the truths that will inevitably bring us the greatest release.
We are dealing with the symptoms of this. Look around, you can see it in every opinion, every outburst, every tragedy, every death.
Let us count the ways that society has failed us, and the ways we continue to fail ourselves.
The old ways of living were a breeding ground for narcissistic tendencies (for which we all have in some way) as well as egocentric & individualistic living.
We have an opportunity to achieve greatness. To overcome our toxic ways of thinking, to grow into a new world. Our circumstances do not control us, we control ourselves.
Together, setting our differences aside & finding commonality, why can't we, us, you & me, create this new world, together?
Why can't we decide to not only put our healing first, but to also understand that the meaning of life is greater than our own self. It is the community where we find that love, acceptance and happiness. It is within the act of coming together and achieving greatness together that we find our true purpose.
This is our war. This is what will set us apart for generations to come - how we handle ourselves right now.
It is not by spewing our self righteous opinions in the ways we've been oppressed that will solve our problem.
It is by our actions. The actions of self recognition, self growth & self love alongside the belief that the good of the community is our saving grace.
How can we help others?
How can we enable their growth? Their happiness?
By first doing it ourselves, and then encouraging others to do the same.
Let's look out for one another.
That doesn't mean complain together.
It means taking responsibility for our bullshit and working hard for what we want.
Working hard for change.
It means acknowledging the hard truths.
It means forgiving others; it means forgiving yourself too.
It means supporting each other through our pain.
Pain which we all have.
Pain is our bond.
I will effect change in the world; take a chance and join me.
So I venture forward on my path, doing what I can with what I have.
And for that I am grateful.
I was broken, but I'm now ready to help.
I want to effect change in the world, but I understand that people are scared to listen... just as I was.
Through this darkness, we struggle. We struggle to connect, to find hope, to feel secure, to feel.
I want to help, but others must take the same chance that I did.
People are suffering with wounds they don't even realize that they have.
The challenge is trying to bring realization to people who so valiantly claim that they are already realized.
I struggle in knowing that the answers are out there, but they are hard for others to see.
Our ego's are getting in the way of simple truths. Truths we are not acknowledging because we are afraid.
Our society has encouraged our fear of these truths; has taught us to turn a blind eye to the truths that will inevitably bring us the greatest release.
We are dealing with the symptoms of this. Look around, you can see it in every opinion, every outburst, every tragedy, every death.
Let us count the ways that society has failed us, and the ways we continue to fail ourselves.
The old ways of living were a breeding ground for narcissistic tendencies (for which we all have in some way) as well as egocentric & individualistic living.
We have an opportunity to achieve greatness. To overcome our toxic ways of thinking, to grow into a new world. Our circumstances do not control us, we control ourselves.
Together, setting our differences aside & finding commonality, why can't we, us, you & me, create this new world, together?
Why can't we decide to not only put our healing first, but to also understand that the meaning of life is greater than our own self. It is the community where we find that love, acceptance and happiness. It is within the act of coming together and achieving greatness together that we find our true purpose.
This is our war. This is what will set us apart for generations to come - how we handle ourselves right now.
It is not by spewing our self righteous opinions in the ways we've been oppressed that will solve our problem.
It is by our actions. The actions of self recognition, self growth & self love alongside the belief that the good of the community is our saving grace.
How can we help others?
How can we enable their growth? Their happiness?
By first doing it ourselves, and then encouraging others to do the same.
Let's look out for one another.
That doesn't mean complain together.
It means taking responsibility for our bullshit and working hard for what we want.
Working hard for change.
It means acknowledging the hard truths.
It means forgiving others; it means forgiving yourself too.
It means supporting each other through our pain.
Pain which we all have.
Pain is our bond.
I will effect change in the world; take a chance and join me.
So I venture forward on my path, doing what I can with what I have.
And for that I am grateful.
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Heavy - Aug 10, 2020
Consciousness is heavy.
Ignorance truly is bliss.
Although the upsides of discovering the ins and outs of my thoughts are always multiplying... the downsides of sustained self reflection & growth has led me to a heavier heart.
Becoming fully aware of all my flaws, all of my "quirks", my strengths, my weaknesses, my triggers, patterns I should hold onto, and pain that I need to let go of has sometimes felt like a double edged sword.
It's a very freeing and opening experience, but I'm also finding a great deal of constriction, pressure and discomfort.
Most of the time, having this focused awareness of my self has enabled me to see where I can do better. Where I can make changes that will coincide to the overall success of my life.
I am learning that I have so much control of where my life is going, because I do have control over my choices, my responses, my thoughts, and my actions.
Control, security, foundation - within myself - feelings that have been lacking in my life for so long.
Now at other points, this very same process feels like clawing with broken, bleeding nails through deep, dark soil; frozen, seemingly unbreakable, trapping me under the invisible film separating me from the life that I'm so desperately trying to penetrate.
The process of deshedding those hindering and unyielding layers of soul scar tissue is one thing, but the actually application of these new discoveries into myself, and into my life, is an entirely different monster.
The choice to break my patterns, the choice to really look at my raw, unfiltered self (every dark, unswept, nook and cranny); the choice to put myself first, the choice to truly be exactly who I am and to love myself for my entire being...
Some words I have been relating to this process are exposed, paralyzing, and vulnerable.
Yielding my body and my mind to the overall journey of personal growth and discovery, my perceptions are changing. Reorganizing my mind, restructuring my healing patterns, setting boundaries and trying yet often failing to vocalize my emotions are all things that I am focused on improving in my day-to-day.
Looking at the world through a new lense is scary.
Seeing things in the way they truly are vs. the way we are told to see them.
I think this is where I am currently caught.
I'm pushing through my darkness, I'm pushing through so I can shine.
Breaking free of the seemingly impenetrable film, just to enter a world where darkness leeches into every pore, every atom, every unwitting victim.
But this is where I look back to my own darkness.
The darkness that has raised me, guided me, destroyed me but also saved me.
My darkness, as much as it has caused me a lot of grief and most definitely contributed to a number of mistakes (and a great deal more to come), has also been the driving factor in a lot of my major life choices. Choices that had I not had the overwhelming presence of my darkness, might have led my life to very negative outcomes.
I have been running from my truest self rather than embracing.
Embracing my darkness and using it to my advantage.
Transforming my darkness into my light.
Now that I am alight, and doing my darnedest to maintain my glow, I am in search of more light. Whether it be helping others find their light, helping others understand and accept their darkness or simply being a source of light in someones greatest darkness.
The world is dark, but we must shine, and we must shine together.
I am embracing this heaviness that comes with great change, with metamorphosis, to move forward. To progress in my life, and to encourage other's progress in theirs.
If we all take the time to unburden ourselves of the conditioning that we have all been raised on, to unravel hundreds of years of twisted priorities and perceptions, we can all shine.
The darkness doesn't seem so scary when we know we're not alone.
We have to shine together.
The beauty of life is that every day that we wake up, we are blessed with the opportunity to better ourselves. To learn from our mistakes, and to make so many more. To grow. To love. To shine.
I LOVE YOU.
Stay grateful, we are blessed.
Ignorance truly is bliss.
Although the upsides of discovering the ins and outs of my thoughts are always multiplying... the downsides of sustained self reflection & growth has led me to a heavier heart.
Becoming fully aware of all my flaws, all of my "quirks", my strengths, my weaknesses, my triggers, patterns I should hold onto, and pain that I need to let go of has sometimes felt like a double edged sword.
It's a very freeing and opening experience, but I'm also finding a great deal of constriction, pressure and discomfort.
Most of the time, having this focused awareness of my self has enabled me to see where I can do better. Where I can make changes that will coincide to the overall success of my life.
I am learning that I have so much control of where my life is going, because I do have control over my choices, my responses, my thoughts, and my actions.
Control, security, foundation - within myself - feelings that have been lacking in my life for so long.
Now at other points, this very same process feels like clawing with broken, bleeding nails through deep, dark soil; frozen, seemingly unbreakable, trapping me under the invisible film separating me from the life that I'm so desperately trying to penetrate.
The process of deshedding those hindering and unyielding layers of soul scar tissue is one thing, but the actually application of these new discoveries into myself, and into my life, is an entirely different monster.
The choice to break my patterns, the choice to really look at my raw, unfiltered self (every dark, unswept, nook and cranny); the choice to put myself first, the choice to truly be exactly who I am and to love myself for my entire being...
Some words I have been relating to this process are exposed, paralyzing, and vulnerable.
Yielding my body and my mind to the overall journey of personal growth and discovery, my perceptions are changing. Reorganizing my mind, restructuring my healing patterns, setting boundaries and trying yet often failing to vocalize my emotions are all things that I am focused on improving in my day-to-day.
Looking at the world through a new lense is scary.
Seeing things in the way they truly are vs. the way we are told to see them.
I think this is where I am currently caught.
I'm pushing through my darkness, I'm pushing through so I can shine.
Breaking free of the seemingly impenetrable film, just to enter a world where darkness leeches into every pore, every atom, every unwitting victim.
But this is where I look back to my own darkness.
The darkness that has raised me, guided me, destroyed me but also saved me.
My darkness, as much as it has caused me a lot of grief and most definitely contributed to a number of mistakes (and a great deal more to come), has also been the driving factor in a lot of my major life choices. Choices that had I not had the overwhelming presence of my darkness, might have led my life to very negative outcomes.
I have been running from my truest self rather than embracing.
Embracing my darkness and using it to my advantage.
Transforming my darkness into my light.
Now that I am alight, and doing my darnedest to maintain my glow, I am in search of more light. Whether it be helping others find their light, helping others understand and accept their darkness or simply being a source of light in someones greatest darkness.
The world is dark, but we must shine, and we must shine together.
I am embracing this heaviness that comes with great change, with metamorphosis, to move forward. To progress in my life, and to encourage other's progress in theirs.
If we all take the time to unburden ourselves of the conditioning that we have all been raised on, to unravel hundreds of years of twisted priorities and perceptions, we can all shine.
The darkness doesn't seem so scary when we know we're not alone.
We have to shine together.
The beauty of life is that every day that we wake up, we are blessed with the opportunity to better ourselves. To learn from our mistakes, and to make so many more. To grow. To love. To shine.
I LOVE YOU.
Stay grateful, we are blessed.
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TIME - Mar 29, 2020
For the purposes of this post, I want you to think of time as a construct of our existence.
Our society typically uses time to schedule meetings, appointments, social activities; when we sleep, when wake up, when we eat, when we work, when we play, when we celebrate, when we mourn, etc, etc.
Time in our normal day to day moves according to society schedules, work schedules, school schedules; very rarely does it move according to our own.
We break down every moment of our life into weeks, days, hours, & minutes.
Sometimes so rigidly that thinking of time in a more open concept, like "the entirety of life's existence", is virtually impossible.
We often get lost in creating a busy schedule.
Squeezing this in there, piggy backing that on top of that - because an insanely busy schedule is a sign of success right?
In our present moment, that busy schedule is kaput, & we have a lot of unscheduled time.
Time, as we know it, no longer exists.
What happens to the idea of time when there are no meetings to be scheduled, social activities to run to, and there is a seemingly unlimited amount of you time?
It brings me to a philosophical place.
Focuses me on the here and now, which also feels kinda like an unending here and now.
I mentioned recently in an Instagram story that I felt like I was just "existing".
And that "existing" wasn't necessarily a bad feeling, but a new and different feeling.
Now that we have this unscheduled time, I am prioritizing my self-reflection and taking an honest look at how I've been utilizing my time as of late.
Am I putting enough of my time into self-care? Am I giving my time away to people who don't deserve it? To situations/jobs/habits that are not benefiting my life?
Am I using my time to the best of my advantage?
Time is so, so valuable; so much so that it should be priceless.
Society likes to take our time. Charge us for our time.
Pay for that vacation to "get away" for some "time".
Buy this and buy that to distract us from using our time wisely.
Distract us from using our time with intention and meaning; using our time to better ourselves, our surroundings, our practices, our society.
We can't get time back, we can't exchange it, we can't erase it; time, in its truest form, has and will continue to outlast all of us.
So, what are you doing with your "time"?
I believe our current situation is an invitation for us too truly look inward.
About many things.
One of these things I believe is time.
Where we spend it. How we use it.
Eventually time will go back to a relative normal and we've seen how our current uses of time have affected our health, our wellbeing.
But maybe when things return to "normal" we can go back with a new perspective, a new mindset.
One that is synonymous with living with intention.
Spending every moment, every valuable second of time, on the things that actually matter.
Stay safe, continue social distancing, and thank you for reading.
Our society typically uses time to schedule meetings, appointments, social activities; when we sleep, when wake up, when we eat, when we work, when we play, when we celebrate, when we mourn, etc, etc.
Time in our normal day to day moves according to society schedules, work schedules, school schedules; very rarely does it move according to our own.
We break down every moment of our life into weeks, days, hours, & minutes.
Sometimes so rigidly that thinking of time in a more open concept, like "the entirety of life's existence", is virtually impossible.
We often get lost in creating a busy schedule.
Squeezing this in there, piggy backing that on top of that - because an insanely busy schedule is a sign of success right?
In our present moment, that busy schedule is kaput, & we have a lot of unscheduled time.
Time, as we know it, no longer exists.
What happens to the idea of time when there are no meetings to be scheduled, social activities to run to, and there is a seemingly unlimited amount of you time?
It brings me to a philosophical place.
Focuses me on the here and now, which also feels kinda like an unending here and now.
I mentioned recently in an Instagram story that I felt like I was just "existing".
And that "existing" wasn't necessarily a bad feeling, but a new and different feeling.
Now that we have this unscheduled time, I am prioritizing my self-reflection and taking an honest look at how I've been utilizing my time as of late.
Am I putting enough of my time into self-care? Am I giving my time away to people who don't deserve it? To situations/jobs/habits that are not benefiting my life?
Am I using my time to the best of my advantage?
Time is so, so valuable; so much so that it should be priceless.
Society likes to take our time. Charge us for our time.
Pay for that vacation to "get away" for some "time".
Buy this and buy that to distract us from using our time wisely.
Distract us from using our time with intention and meaning; using our time to better ourselves, our surroundings, our practices, our society.
We can't get time back, we can't exchange it, we can't erase it; time, in its truest form, has and will continue to outlast all of us.
So, what are you doing with your "time"?
I believe our current situation is an invitation for us too truly look inward.
About many things.
One of these things I believe is time.
Where we spend it. How we use it.
Eventually time will go back to a relative normal and we've seen how our current uses of time have affected our health, our wellbeing.
But maybe when things return to "normal" we can go back with a new perspective, a new mindset.
One that is synonymous with living with intention.
Spending every moment, every valuable second of time, on the things that actually matter.
Stay safe, continue social distancing, and thank you for reading.
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trust - Mar 10, 2020
Omg.
Writer's block is reaaaaaal.
I'll have you know that it's not the generating ideas nor the actual writing part that has me blocked - it's the sharing part. Sharing the thoughts that are authentic to my core self.
I absolutely love connecting with you, my readers, on this level (seriously it's what keeps me thriving), yet it's not always an easy process to do so.
There is discomfort within every written piece of soulful release.
Every time I publish a new blog, I am immediately vulnerable; immediately on alert for "danger" (pain). I guess have this thing where I relate vulnerability to pain... and I'm working on that.
Vulnerability is not a bad thing. To be vunerable is one of the most honest and connected states a human can be and I always remind myself of that.
Eventually, fulfillment does come.
This fulfillment comes from knowing that I published honest thoughts, with the intent to connect consciously with my audience, and of course, knowing that my vulnerability might help one of you. If there is one person who can connect with me, benefit in some way from my "voice", then publishing my thoughts, pushing myself into vulnerability, will always be worth it.
Alright, now moving on to the real reason behind my creation of this post.
I had a moment of insight within myself regarding something I have struggled with for ages:
TRUST.
Fortunately this moment of clarity triggered a rush of writing.
*thank the writing gods!*
I like to be honest within my space, our space, and I find my writing flows when its' source is an actual feeling that is presently within me.
Usually these feelings are real living emotions, that will affect me in negative ways if I don't fully acknowledge it, understand it, and move forward with it.
For me, the keyboard at my finger tips is the conduit to my soul. To my truths. When a living, roiling emotion surfaces, it can be a lot to handle, a lot to contain.
Trust, the struggle of knowing how to and when to, is the current roiling emotion.
Fortunately I now know that I can write it out; I can write the feeling that is plaguing me.
Discover it's darkness, as well as it's light.
Trust has always been a hard thing for me, but as an adult I have struggled with it for years.
In terms of myself and others.
I love to define things before I delve into them and Merriam-Webster's definition of trust piqued my interest: "assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something".
Assured reliance on character. Truth of someone.
Nowadays character can be hard to find, the truth of someone can be even harder.
Trust always felt like laying on a bed of needles. I've always been aware that trust in my relationships (of all kinds) is extremely important, but it's been nearly impossible for me to give. Similar to many of you, I have been judged, put down, screwed over, walked on, taken advantage of, backstabbed, etc, etc.
It's so sad because for so long I didn't love myself. I allowed these outside voices to affect my self worth, my self love, my self talk... it was a discouraging day for me to come to the realization of how much and for how long I had allowed myself to be affected by people and situations that, at the end of the day, didn't fucking matter.
It was when I came to this realization that my trust in myself broke too. Forget about trusting others, but what happens when you can't trust yourself to put yourself first? To make the right decision to keep yourself safe, out of harms way?
With regards to trusting others, obviously my past is directly impacting my current ability to trust. When we feel pain we most definitely start learning how to protect ourselves (consciously and subconsciously); how to protect our heart's and soul's from the pain of rejection, failures and fears.
I have built SOLID walls around my soft spots. I have a huge heart, I am empathic, I am emotionally aware, and dealing with the smallest amount of pain can cut me at the deepest levels.
As a defence mechanism but also as a coping mechanism (coping because it wasn't until recently that I really started to understand how I work and is now a preemptive mitigating mechanism), the walls around my heart are so heavily guarded that even I have a hard time getting through.
Which is where the trust in myself comes into play.
I believe my soul (heart) and my brain are two different entities (and physically they most definitely are). But sometimes it was my own brain attacking my soul. Not the voices of others, but my own voice.
Before, I lacked the self awareness, the self acceptance and the self love, that when I would deal with my feelings & actions, I would judge myself. I would beat myself up for not being what others wanted me to be, what I though I should be. I would call myself crazy, wonder why anyone in the world would want to be connected to me. I was fake, a fraud. I would never be loved.
I was my own biggest hater.
And with the continued negative self talk and essentially self mental abuse, my soul put itself on lockdown. My shining heart literally encased itself in obsidian black armour that is infinitely thick, to ensure its vitality. Because at the end of the day, my light and goodness is all I have. That's what I can offer to the world. The innocence of my heart.
I've had to relearn how to trust myself.
Trusting my own brain to enter the many depths of my soul, to discover my truths, to discover what's laying dormant there; trusting myself enough to know that whatever I may discover, it isn't a bad thing. It's an acceptance thing.
Accepting myself for exactly who I am has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Loving myself for exactly who I am, is an entirely different story.
Over the past year I have been really focusing on changing my brain waves. Constantly practicing self awareness in terms of my thoughts and actions towards myself and others.
I'm practicing being kind to myself, accepting my flaws, my mistakes, and encouraging myself to be better. Beating myself up was getting me nowhere, so I pushed myself to try something new.
Presently, trust in my life has improved, yet it is most definitely something I still struggle with.
Trusting is another kind of vulnerability.
As time goes on, and my practices turn into habits, and those turn into changes in perspective, I find I am trusting myself more. I am definitely learning to navigate myself. The black obsidian armour surrounding my heart is still there, but the miles of mazes, and multiple doors of locks and missing keys have been slowly dissolving.
The more I allow myself to flow in the journey of self discovery, the more I am able to trust myself. And that trust means so much to me.
So much so that it is still very hard for me to give it to others.
I am strength and fire, but I am also delicate.
My inner circle are my inner circle because they have chosen to accept me for me, they choose to love me fiercely and loyally. Just as I have chosen to love them.
In the spirit of growth, I am also practicing giving trust away in increments. I don't want to lose out on a relationship or an opportunity for deeper connection because I am unable to trust. I am learning how to recognize small actions that portray trust. Or actions that don't.
Words are fine and pretty, but if you don't actually do what you say you're going to do, then I have no reason to trust you.
Trust is a precious thing, it can be easily broken. It's something that I try very hard not to break in others.
I think those are all the thoughts I wanted to get out on that matter for now. The roiling emotion is now slumbering in a deep crevice in my mind.
Always thank you for reading.
Sending you all the good vibez,
Writer's block is reaaaaaal.
I'll have you know that it's not the generating ideas nor the actual writing part that has me blocked - it's the sharing part. Sharing the thoughts that are authentic to my core self.
I absolutely love connecting with you, my readers, on this level (seriously it's what keeps me thriving), yet it's not always an easy process to do so.
There is discomfort within every written piece of soulful release.
Every time I publish a new blog, I am immediately vulnerable; immediately on alert for "danger" (pain). I guess have this thing where I relate vulnerability to pain... and I'm working on that.
Vulnerability is not a bad thing. To be vunerable is one of the most honest and connected states a human can be and I always remind myself of that.
Eventually, fulfillment does come.
This fulfillment comes from knowing that I published honest thoughts, with the intent to connect consciously with my audience, and of course, knowing that my vulnerability might help one of you. If there is one person who can connect with me, benefit in some way from my "voice", then publishing my thoughts, pushing myself into vulnerability, will always be worth it.
Alright, now moving on to the real reason behind my creation of this post.
I had a moment of insight within myself regarding something I have struggled with for ages:
TRUST.
Fortunately this moment of clarity triggered a rush of writing.
*thank the writing gods!*
I like to be honest within my space, our space, and I find my writing flows when its' source is an actual feeling that is presently within me.
Usually these feelings are real living emotions, that will affect me in negative ways if I don't fully acknowledge it, understand it, and move forward with it.
For me, the keyboard at my finger tips is the conduit to my soul. To my truths. When a living, roiling emotion surfaces, it can be a lot to handle, a lot to contain.
Trust, the struggle of knowing how to and when to, is the current roiling emotion.
Fortunately I now know that I can write it out; I can write the feeling that is plaguing me.
Discover it's darkness, as well as it's light.
Trust has always been a hard thing for me, but as an adult I have struggled with it for years.
In terms of myself and others.
I love to define things before I delve into them and Merriam-Webster's definition of trust piqued my interest: "assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something".
Assured reliance on character. Truth of someone.
Nowadays character can be hard to find, the truth of someone can be even harder.
Trust always felt like laying on a bed of needles. I've always been aware that trust in my relationships (of all kinds) is extremely important, but it's been nearly impossible for me to give. Similar to many of you, I have been judged, put down, screwed over, walked on, taken advantage of, backstabbed, etc, etc.
It's so sad because for so long I didn't love myself. I allowed these outside voices to affect my self worth, my self love, my self talk... it was a discouraging day for me to come to the realization of how much and for how long I had allowed myself to be affected by people and situations that, at the end of the day, didn't fucking matter.
It was when I came to this realization that my trust in myself broke too. Forget about trusting others, but what happens when you can't trust yourself to put yourself first? To make the right decision to keep yourself safe, out of harms way?
With regards to trusting others, obviously my past is directly impacting my current ability to trust. When we feel pain we most definitely start learning how to protect ourselves (consciously and subconsciously); how to protect our heart's and soul's from the pain of rejection, failures and fears.
I have built SOLID walls around my soft spots. I have a huge heart, I am empathic, I am emotionally aware, and dealing with the smallest amount of pain can cut me at the deepest levels.
As a defence mechanism but also as a coping mechanism (coping because it wasn't until recently that I really started to understand how I work and is now a preemptive mitigating mechanism), the walls around my heart are so heavily guarded that even I have a hard time getting through.
Which is where the trust in myself comes into play.
I believe my soul (heart) and my brain are two different entities (and physically they most definitely are). But sometimes it was my own brain attacking my soul. Not the voices of others, but my own voice.
Before, I lacked the self awareness, the self acceptance and the self love, that when I would deal with my feelings & actions, I would judge myself. I would beat myself up for not being what others wanted me to be, what I though I should be. I would call myself crazy, wonder why anyone in the world would want to be connected to me. I was fake, a fraud. I would never be loved.
I was my own biggest hater.
And with the continued negative self talk and essentially self mental abuse, my soul put itself on lockdown. My shining heart literally encased itself in obsidian black armour that is infinitely thick, to ensure its vitality. Because at the end of the day, my light and goodness is all I have. That's what I can offer to the world. The innocence of my heart.
I've had to relearn how to trust myself.
Trusting my own brain to enter the many depths of my soul, to discover my truths, to discover what's laying dormant there; trusting myself enough to know that whatever I may discover, it isn't a bad thing. It's an acceptance thing.
Accepting myself for exactly who I am has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Loving myself for exactly who I am, is an entirely different story.
Over the past year I have been really focusing on changing my brain waves. Constantly practicing self awareness in terms of my thoughts and actions towards myself and others.
I'm practicing being kind to myself, accepting my flaws, my mistakes, and encouraging myself to be better. Beating myself up was getting me nowhere, so I pushed myself to try something new.
Presently, trust in my life has improved, yet it is most definitely something I still struggle with.
Trusting is another kind of vulnerability.
As time goes on, and my practices turn into habits, and those turn into changes in perspective, I find I am trusting myself more. I am definitely learning to navigate myself. The black obsidian armour surrounding my heart is still there, but the miles of mazes, and multiple doors of locks and missing keys have been slowly dissolving.
The more I allow myself to flow in the journey of self discovery, the more I am able to trust myself. And that trust means so much to me.
So much so that it is still very hard for me to give it to others.
I am strength and fire, but I am also delicate.
My inner circle are my inner circle because they have chosen to accept me for me, they choose to love me fiercely and loyally. Just as I have chosen to love them.
In the spirit of growth, I am also practicing giving trust away in increments. I don't want to lose out on a relationship or an opportunity for deeper connection because I am unable to trust. I am learning how to recognize small actions that portray trust. Or actions that don't.
Words are fine and pretty, but if you don't actually do what you say you're going to do, then I have no reason to trust you.
Trust is a precious thing, it can be easily broken. It's something that I try very hard not to break in others.
I think those are all the thoughts I wanted to get out on that matter for now. The roiling emotion is now slumbering in a deep crevice in my mind.
Always thank you for reading.
Sending you all the good vibez,
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loneliness - Jan 15, 2020
Well the title is obvious.
The reason why I feel this way is not.
And it’s not even that I am lonely all the time.
I am surrounded by people who love and support me. Friends, family, even my peeps on social media bring me the connection I seem to always be searching for (thank you to all of you).
Although this is going to be a terribly obvious statement – I am loneliest when I am alone.
If you are not yet aware, I am a single lady, and have been for 5 months. This time period as a single person is not significant. I feel like I should most definitely still be enjoying my new found freedoms, which trust me, I am, but not having “that” person around… I’m feeling the lack thereof for sure.
For someone who feels as deeply as I do, for someone who legit spent the entirety of her 20’s in serious relationships; for someone who has never conquered her fear of being alone… it has been a growing experience.
The place I have lived in for the past 5 years has always been bustling. There was always multiple roommates, pets, drama, the house was always teeming with life. Often I would hide in my room just to have some “alone” time. Time I cherished because it was when it was just me, my thoughts and my vibes.
Now, I only have one roommate who travels quite a lot, so really it’s like living alone. This adjustment has gone fairly smoothly for me, and while I do appreciate a solid night to myself, apprehension is growing towards the drastic expansion of nights alone.
The unchecked areas of my my mind like to tell me that being alone somehow means that I am not loved, or cared about. That being alone means I’m unimportant.
I don’t want to talk about my previous relationships, but I would like to talk about my relationship with myself for a second.
It’s never been totally great. For a long time I didn’t understand who I was, why I had the feelings that I did, how my past shaped me as a human and why I have always felt like there’s a giant hole in my chest.
To be more specific a giant, never ending abyss that was generally easy to ignore when when I am with another human. Whether it be family, friends or a relationship; a distraction from this hole that has always frightened me.
As I learn more about myself, and this very dark hole, I am coming to the conclusion that it is the reason behind my incessant need, from as early on as pre teens, to find someone. To find love. To find that person. My Prince Rowan, my Logan Huntzberger, my Rhysand (you may not get these book & TV show references but stereotypically my prince charming). The one who would sweep me off my feet, and fill this void that exists within me.
Now listen I know all y’all are gunna be like “But Jaggie! We all know that the only person that can fill that void is you!”.
Maybe not all of you will say that but that’s most definitely what I keep telling myself.
I keep at it, I work through my emotions, I do my best to stay positive, to put spin on things, I tell myself I am strong, that I have gotten through so much, and to keep going…
It just hasn’t changed yet. I have yet to conquer it and it’s frustrating.
Like why the fuck can’t I just feel WHOLE?!
This pit of loneliness has chased me my entire life.
And I know I will always get through the moments that feel dark and scary and never-ending… but it still doesn’t stop me from feeling it.
Yet as I write this, and sort through what I am feeling, I have a new thought.
Maybe this is just how I am wired. Maybe this deep dark pit is the reason I can feel the way I do, the reason I can connect with others so easily, the reason I can love and appreciate life and people the way I do, the reason I can get so unreasonably happy with the smallest of things (seriously like a fucking child sometimes).
I know I am not the only one who feels loneliness. I am sure each and everyone of you have felt loneliness, and possibly feel lonely quite often.
I guess one of the reasons I am writing about this is to remind myself, as well as you, that we aren’t the only ones who feel lonely in this world. I think we can become less lonely by focusing on finding our inner light and sharing it as best we can. Finding authentic ways to connect with others and ourselves as well as being more open and empathetic to those around us. Creating opportunities for more connection.
Maybe it really is all in the understanding and acceptance of who we are that we can conquer our demons, our fears, the things that challenge us to our core.
Loneliness is most definitely a demon I have fought a long hard battle with and it looks like my war paint will have to stay on a while longer.
My question to you – how do you fight loneliness? How do you cope when you feel like you’ve tried everything?
Send me a message on IG @jaggsters.
The reason why I feel this way is not.
And it’s not even that I am lonely all the time.
I am surrounded by people who love and support me. Friends, family, even my peeps on social media bring me the connection I seem to always be searching for (thank you to all of you).
Although this is going to be a terribly obvious statement – I am loneliest when I am alone.
If you are not yet aware, I am a single lady, and have been for 5 months. This time period as a single person is not significant. I feel like I should most definitely still be enjoying my new found freedoms, which trust me, I am, but not having “that” person around… I’m feeling the lack thereof for sure.
For someone who feels as deeply as I do, for someone who legit spent the entirety of her 20’s in serious relationships; for someone who has never conquered her fear of being alone… it has been a growing experience.
The place I have lived in for the past 5 years has always been bustling. There was always multiple roommates, pets, drama, the house was always teeming with life. Often I would hide in my room just to have some “alone” time. Time I cherished because it was when it was just me, my thoughts and my vibes.
Now, I only have one roommate who travels quite a lot, so really it’s like living alone. This adjustment has gone fairly smoothly for me, and while I do appreciate a solid night to myself, apprehension is growing towards the drastic expansion of nights alone.
The unchecked areas of my my mind like to tell me that being alone somehow means that I am not loved, or cared about. That being alone means I’m unimportant.
I don’t want to talk about my previous relationships, but I would like to talk about my relationship with myself for a second.
It’s never been totally great. For a long time I didn’t understand who I was, why I had the feelings that I did, how my past shaped me as a human and why I have always felt like there’s a giant hole in my chest.
To be more specific a giant, never ending abyss that was generally easy to ignore when when I am with another human. Whether it be family, friends or a relationship; a distraction from this hole that has always frightened me.
As I learn more about myself, and this very dark hole, I am coming to the conclusion that it is the reason behind my incessant need, from as early on as pre teens, to find someone. To find love. To find that person. My Prince Rowan, my Logan Huntzberger, my Rhysand (you may not get these book & TV show references but stereotypically my prince charming). The one who would sweep me off my feet, and fill this void that exists within me.
Now listen I know all y’all are gunna be like “But Jaggie! We all know that the only person that can fill that void is you!”.
Maybe not all of you will say that but that’s most definitely what I keep telling myself.
I keep at it, I work through my emotions, I do my best to stay positive, to put spin on things, I tell myself I am strong, that I have gotten through so much, and to keep going…
It just hasn’t changed yet. I have yet to conquer it and it’s frustrating.
Like why the fuck can’t I just feel WHOLE?!
This pit of loneliness has chased me my entire life.
And I know I will always get through the moments that feel dark and scary and never-ending… but it still doesn’t stop me from feeling it.
Yet as I write this, and sort through what I am feeling, I have a new thought.
Maybe this is just how I am wired. Maybe this deep dark pit is the reason I can feel the way I do, the reason I can connect with others so easily, the reason I can love and appreciate life and people the way I do, the reason I can get so unreasonably happy with the smallest of things (seriously like a fucking child sometimes).
I know I am not the only one who feels loneliness. I am sure each and everyone of you have felt loneliness, and possibly feel lonely quite often.
I guess one of the reasons I am writing about this is to remind myself, as well as you, that we aren’t the only ones who feel lonely in this world. I think we can become less lonely by focusing on finding our inner light and sharing it as best we can. Finding authentic ways to connect with others and ourselves as well as being more open and empathetic to those around us. Creating opportunities for more connection.
Maybe it really is all in the understanding and acceptance of who we are that we can conquer our demons, our fears, the things that challenge us to our core.
Loneliness is most definitely a demon I have fought a long hard battle with and it looks like my war paint will have to stay on a while longer.
My question to you – how do you fight loneliness? How do you cope when you feel like you’ve tried everything?
Send me a message on IG @jaggsters.
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Happiness - Dec. 3, 2019
I know it has been a mad minute since my last blog post.
As most of you know from previous blog posts, I have been taking the time to work on myself. Making changes in my life, getting to know myself, and ultimately growing as a person has been my main goal these past few months. I apologize for my writing absence but I have been watching my stats and there is a handful of you that check in everyday… I appreciate you!!
These past months have been an interesting experience. Been through some ups and downs, but if we were to imagine my life on a graph – the ups and downs are going at an upward angle (yay).
I have been on a journey to discover myself, and find happiness.
I can’t tell you that I know the secret to happiness, but I can share with you my own experience thus far.
For me, discovering myself and finding happiness have gone hand-in-hand.
Finding happiness, even allowing myself to be happy, is something I have battled my entire life.
I think my struggle with “being happy” has to do with a couple different things. Part of it was fearing happiness (defence mechanism), part of it was guilt of being happy when others are not (more subconscious), and part of it was simply not knowing how to actually find happiness within myself.
A lot of my depression and anxiety has come from continuous, long term self doubt that would spiral into loss of identity and self worth; I was never good enough. A thought that I have had to actively eradicate from my entire sense of self, everymoment, everyday.
I am enough. More than enough.
If you read “Free Fall.” (blog post from a couple months ago) you will understand when I say that I finally discovered that it isn’t someone else who will pull the chord to save me – I need to pull it myself.
When I was finally ready to accept that I had every right to be happy, every opportunity to be happy, but I wasn’t taking those opportunities for happiness because I was afraid… that was a big breakthrough for me. Orgasm moment for the soul searching type lol.
Big breakthrough moments aside, I have had several bad days; several days where the struggle was so real I wasn’t entirely sure how I was going to get through it. Being on my own (single) for the first time in 7 years was a change that I knew I needed to make but the adjustment has been a lot harder then I expected (in that 7 years I went through 3 different long term relationships with zero me time between each one).
That’s pretty ridiculous right?
Before we get into how ridiculous that is though, I want you to know that although there have been many days where struggle was the word of the day, there also have been many more days that were filled with words like light, love, and acceptance; and they are happening more and more.
For a long time I was searching for happiness in all the wrong ways: for years I thought a relationship was what was going to make me truly happy; that I was going to find my happiness through someone else.
It seems obvious looking back now... but how terribly wrong was I.
I and only I have the power within myself to be happy. Finally taking the responsibility for my own happiness (which I thought I was doing all along but clearly I was not), came to its ultimate resolution with my decision to end my most recent long term relationship. I was in no state to be in a relationship.
My hurt was overcoming me on a daily basis, and I had no idea how to handle it. The kind of growth that I knew I needed to do for myself was not going to happen while trying to commit to someone else. Sacrificing my relationship with someone I thought I was going to be with forever vs sacrificing myself forever for that relationship… it was an obvious choice. Heartbreaking pain aside, it was the right choice that I made for the betterment of myself.
I’ve been officially flying solo since September and it’s been a whole new kind of adventure that I forgot existed. Being single, and enjoying being on my own, has given me the opportunity to open up to myself and discover the ins and outs of who I am.
Knowing my attachment style, learning about my triggers, learning about my anxiety and depression, going to A Conscious Partner “Growthshops”, learning about my Myers Briggs personality (ENFP), even looking at my astrological sign (Cancer) has helped me gain an understanding of who I am, the way I work, areas of myself that are good and strong, and the areas of myself that I need to work on.
Discovering myself has contributed to my new found happiness in many, many ways!
Being able to be authentically me, only providing to my own needs, and not to the needs of others, has been an invaluable and empowering experience.
As I get to know myself as my own person, making choices that directly affect my daily experience, happiness has occurred more and more. Creating habits that benefit me long term (like meal prepping, going to the gym, spending time in nature, cleaning, plastic conscious, etc) have been essential to me feeling more secure within myself.
With more awareness and appreciation towards myself, I have been able to recognize the small moments that can make me happy on the daily: blasting music on loud and dancing around my house, taking a relaxing bubble bath, waking up to being snuggled by my dog Bruiser, a sweet text from a friend, sending a message to someone I love reminding them that I appreciate them and everything they do, helping a friend in need, self reflecting when I am alone, appreciating the beauty of our natural world, making choices that reflect the authentic me, and so much more.
I am re learning myself. My individuality, my sexuality, my drive, my passions.
I am healing. I am growing.
I am happy.
And it is my CHOICE to be happy.
When shit happens, I no longer allow it to control me. I take a moment, I process, and I try to understand. I don’t react, I respond and I respond as my best self.
Combating the negative vibes is also something I am training myself to be better at.
Learning how to process the negative vibes that I do feel has had a positive impact on my life. Accepting my true emotional self, acknowledging that me crying isn’t a sign of weakness, has helped me handle vibes that would normally throw me off my game for days.
Crying is a process that I have been using to fight heavy emotions and bad vibes. Allowing myself to really feel them, understand them, accept them and then bawl my eyes out if I need to, really kicks them to the curb.
All in all discovering myself and finding happiness has been a successful journey and will continue to be; because let’s be honest, the journey to happiness happens everyday, for the rest of our lives.
My happiness is no longer dictated by whims or whams, I find it everyday through my actions, through the small moments, and through loving and accepting my true self.
I challenge you, my readers, to do something today that you would never normally do. Whether it be taking a quiet moment to self reflect, practice forgiveness, practice gratefulness, share an act of kindness, be understanding of anothers bad moment, or practice patience.
Happiness is there, make a choice, and grasp it!
As most of you know from previous blog posts, I have been taking the time to work on myself. Making changes in my life, getting to know myself, and ultimately growing as a person has been my main goal these past few months. I apologize for my writing absence but I have been watching my stats and there is a handful of you that check in everyday… I appreciate you!!
These past months have been an interesting experience. Been through some ups and downs, but if we were to imagine my life on a graph – the ups and downs are going at an upward angle (yay).
I have been on a journey to discover myself, and find happiness.
I can’t tell you that I know the secret to happiness, but I can share with you my own experience thus far.
For me, discovering myself and finding happiness have gone hand-in-hand.
Finding happiness, even allowing myself to be happy, is something I have battled my entire life.
I think my struggle with “being happy” has to do with a couple different things. Part of it was fearing happiness (defence mechanism), part of it was guilt of being happy when others are not (more subconscious), and part of it was simply not knowing how to actually find happiness within myself.
A lot of my depression and anxiety has come from continuous, long term self doubt that would spiral into loss of identity and self worth; I was never good enough. A thought that I have had to actively eradicate from my entire sense of self, everymoment, everyday.
I am enough. More than enough.
If you read “Free Fall.” (blog post from a couple months ago) you will understand when I say that I finally discovered that it isn’t someone else who will pull the chord to save me – I need to pull it myself.
When I was finally ready to accept that I had every right to be happy, every opportunity to be happy, but I wasn’t taking those opportunities for happiness because I was afraid… that was a big breakthrough for me. Orgasm moment for the soul searching type lol.
Big breakthrough moments aside, I have had several bad days; several days where the struggle was so real I wasn’t entirely sure how I was going to get through it. Being on my own (single) for the first time in 7 years was a change that I knew I needed to make but the adjustment has been a lot harder then I expected (in that 7 years I went through 3 different long term relationships with zero me time between each one).
That’s pretty ridiculous right?
Before we get into how ridiculous that is though, I want you to know that although there have been many days where struggle was the word of the day, there also have been many more days that were filled with words like light, love, and acceptance; and they are happening more and more.
For a long time I was searching for happiness in all the wrong ways: for years I thought a relationship was what was going to make me truly happy; that I was going to find my happiness through someone else.
It seems obvious looking back now... but how terribly wrong was I.
I and only I have the power within myself to be happy. Finally taking the responsibility for my own happiness (which I thought I was doing all along but clearly I was not), came to its ultimate resolution with my decision to end my most recent long term relationship. I was in no state to be in a relationship.
My hurt was overcoming me on a daily basis, and I had no idea how to handle it. The kind of growth that I knew I needed to do for myself was not going to happen while trying to commit to someone else. Sacrificing my relationship with someone I thought I was going to be with forever vs sacrificing myself forever for that relationship… it was an obvious choice. Heartbreaking pain aside, it was the right choice that I made for the betterment of myself.
I’ve been officially flying solo since September and it’s been a whole new kind of adventure that I forgot existed. Being single, and enjoying being on my own, has given me the opportunity to open up to myself and discover the ins and outs of who I am.
Knowing my attachment style, learning about my triggers, learning about my anxiety and depression, going to A Conscious Partner “Growthshops”, learning about my Myers Briggs personality (ENFP), even looking at my astrological sign (Cancer) has helped me gain an understanding of who I am, the way I work, areas of myself that are good and strong, and the areas of myself that I need to work on.
Discovering myself has contributed to my new found happiness in many, many ways!
Being able to be authentically me, only providing to my own needs, and not to the needs of others, has been an invaluable and empowering experience.
As I get to know myself as my own person, making choices that directly affect my daily experience, happiness has occurred more and more. Creating habits that benefit me long term (like meal prepping, going to the gym, spending time in nature, cleaning, plastic conscious, etc) have been essential to me feeling more secure within myself.
With more awareness and appreciation towards myself, I have been able to recognize the small moments that can make me happy on the daily: blasting music on loud and dancing around my house, taking a relaxing bubble bath, waking up to being snuggled by my dog Bruiser, a sweet text from a friend, sending a message to someone I love reminding them that I appreciate them and everything they do, helping a friend in need, self reflecting when I am alone, appreciating the beauty of our natural world, making choices that reflect the authentic me, and so much more.
I am re learning myself. My individuality, my sexuality, my drive, my passions.
I am healing. I am growing.
I am happy.
And it is my CHOICE to be happy.
When shit happens, I no longer allow it to control me. I take a moment, I process, and I try to understand. I don’t react, I respond and I respond as my best self.
Combating the negative vibes is also something I am training myself to be better at.
Learning how to process the negative vibes that I do feel has had a positive impact on my life. Accepting my true emotional self, acknowledging that me crying isn’t a sign of weakness, has helped me handle vibes that would normally throw me off my game for days.
Crying is a process that I have been using to fight heavy emotions and bad vibes. Allowing myself to really feel them, understand them, accept them and then bawl my eyes out if I need to, really kicks them to the curb.
All in all discovering myself and finding happiness has been a successful journey and will continue to be; because let’s be honest, the journey to happiness happens everyday, for the rest of our lives.
My happiness is no longer dictated by whims or whams, I find it everyday through my actions, through the small moments, and through loving and accepting my true self.
I challenge you, my readers, to do something today that you would never normally do. Whether it be taking a quiet moment to self reflect, practice forgiveness, practice gratefulness, share an act of kindness, be understanding of anothers bad moment, or practice patience.
Happiness is there, make a choice, and grasp it!
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LImbo - Oct 29, 2019
Limbo. Timeless Void. Never Ending Emotional Expanse.
I am caught between phases, and I am uncertain what will happen next.
A.K.A. I’m in Limbo.
In this state, there is a new feeling that I’m trying to navigate. This feeling exists right between satisfied and completely unsatisfied. It feels like curiosity and freedom yet uncomfortableness. I feel alive yet there’s a depressed ache in my core that I haven’t been able to shake.
I know I have referenced being stuck in my shell of safety in previous blog posts…
…I am most definitely out of that shell now.
This state is very new to me, and has been challenging. I identify greatly with my astrological sign, a Cancer, and being without my shell, I definitely feel exposed.
I’m envisioning myself as crustacean. I have broken out of my shell and I’m scuttling about. I have no real inkling as to the direction that I am going, or that I am even on a path. I am moving though. I am breathing, I am alive, I am accomplishing life orientated tasks every day. Just don’t know where I am going.
For someone with an anxious attachment style to life, this is definitely a weird state to be in.
And honestly it’s not a terrible state, its just not what I am used to. I am craving my shell; it was the place that provided me with basic security and structure, but never true happiness.
The shell fed the darkness within me. It promoted the negative self-talk, the anxiety, the depression. I was “safe”, but I was miserable.
Now that I am out of my shell and scuttling around Limbo, I find that creating anything in this state has become difficult.
Creative photoshoots are easy for me in terms of what I have to “give” to the shoot. The shoots are creative but generally speaking I am not required to be vulnerable for them.
Writing and drawing however, I am very emotionally connected to. Writing opens a portal to my soul (a bit dramatic but you get the idea), and in this state of Limbo, my thoughts and emotions are being broadcasted every direction. They are tough to control. Writing in a vulnerable, authentic and creative manner, or focusing on the detailed and elaborate nature of my art, when it feels like I have thousands of fire crackers exploding in my brain, takes tremendous effort.
. . .
After a lot deep thinking and self reflection, I am realizing that I have to be understanding of the fact that I am rediscovering myself.
Maybe what I am experiencing is something of a rebirth? Something of an ego death (definitely not a full ego death) and I am relearning my basic inner workings.
If you read my last blog post – my focus is to continue being creative in all forms. I am at my happiest when I create. I connect with myself and others when I create. I think my creativity is the light that I need to follow, to get out of Limbo.
I do believe I will get where I need to go; it’s about having faith in the process, and believing that self growth and vulnerability within myself will get me to exactly where I need to be. More-so, the belief that I am already exactly where I need to be.
My business is growing and I am currently reorganizing my schedule so that I can be productive at all the things I want to do, while also allowing myself room to breathe, and room to accept my current state of existence.
Limbo has been hard but I am still here working. I am upgrading my life, and the changes that I am making require time and effort to process and implement.
I am still here, will be out of Limbo soon. XO.
I am caught between phases, and I am uncertain what will happen next.
A.K.A. I’m in Limbo.
In this state, there is a new feeling that I’m trying to navigate. This feeling exists right between satisfied and completely unsatisfied. It feels like curiosity and freedom yet uncomfortableness. I feel alive yet there’s a depressed ache in my core that I haven’t been able to shake.
I know I have referenced being stuck in my shell of safety in previous blog posts…
…I am most definitely out of that shell now.
This state is very new to me, and has been challenging. I identify greatly with my astrological sign, a Cancer, and being without my shell, I definitely feel exposed.
I’m envisioning myself as crustacean. I have broken out of my shell and I’m scuttling about. I have no real inkling as to the direction that I am going, or that I am even on a path. I am moving though. I am breathing, I am alive, I am accomplishing life orientated tasks every day. Just don’t know where I am going.
For someone with an anxious attachment style to life, this is definitely a weird state to be in.
And honestly it’s not a terrible state, its just not what I am used to. I am craving my shell; it was the place that provided me with basic security and structure, but never true happiness.
The shell fed the darkness within me. It promoted the negative self-talk, the anxiety, the depression. I was “safe”, but I was miserable.
Now that I am out of my shell and scuttling around Limbo, I find that creating anything in this state has become difficult.
Creative photoshoots are easy for me in terms of what I have to “give” to the shoot. The shoots are creative but generally speaking I am not required to be vulnerable for them.
Writing and drawing however, I am very emotionally connected to. Writing opens a portal to my soul (a bit dramatic but you get the idea), and in this state of Limbo, my thoughts and emotions are being broadcasted every direction. They are tough to control. Writing in a vulnerable, authentic and creative manner, or focusing on the detailed and elaborate nature of my art, when it feels like I have thousands of fire crackers exploding in my brain, takes tremendous effort.
. . .
After a lot deep thinking and self reflection, I am realizing that I have to be understanding of the fact that I am rediscovering myself.
Maybe what I am experiencing is something of a rebirth? Something of an ego death (definitely not a full ego death) and I am relearning my basic inner workings.
If you read my last blog post – my focus is to continue being creative in all forms. I am at my happiest when I create. I connect with myself and others when I create. I think my creativity is the light that I need to follow, to get out of Limbo.
I do believe I will get where I need to go; it’s about having faith in the process, and believing that self growth and vulnerability within myself will get me to exactly where I need to be. More-so, the belief that I am already exactly where I need to be.
My business is growing and I am currently reorganizing my schedule so that I can be productive at all the things I want to do, while also allowing myself room to breathe, and room to accept my current state of existence.
Limbo has been hard but I am still here working. I am upgrading my life, and the changes that I am making require time and effort to process and implement.
I am still here, will be out of Limbo soon. XO.
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The Purge - Oct. 7, 2019
Purge: “to rid someone/something
of an unwanted quality, condition, or feeling”.
of an unwanted quality, condition, or feeling”.
I am in the process of an all encompassing life purge.
From my purging experience so far, I know there is a physical purge, a mental purge, and, for me, a direct correlation between the two.
Purging mentally is a process that I have actually been sharing with you, my readers. Blog posts like “Change.”, “The Calm.”, and “Free Fall.” are examples of me purging mentally – I am going through some shit, and writing has been a great way for me to feel, accept and release a lot of the negative emotions I have been holding in.
Physically, I am in the process of a great household purge. The past few weeks I have been going through all of the “stuff” that I have allowed to accumulate over the span of the past 4 or 5 years.
The correlation between the mental and physical purges?
I have become accustomed to living in chaos; in a state that is completely unsavoury and unproductive but comfortable because that is what I had become accustomed to. I am finding the trouble that I have saying goodbye to physical stuff is similar to the trouble that I have in terms of acknowledging and letting go of my emotional stuff.
In other words – the amount of unchecked stuff in my physical world that I had been keeping for absolutely no reason other than the fact that I was choosing to avoid dealing with it – was comparable to the amount of unchecked stuff that was holding me back mentally and emotionally. My mind was a mess of feelings and emotions that I had never dealt with, just like my living space was a mess with crap that I chose to avoid dealing with.
Finally, after a month of being “on my own”, I am beginning to understand some personal habits that have been holding me back. Through the process of this “great purge” I am required to acknowledge parts of myself that I never fully understood nor wanted to understand.
Why do I hold onto things? Why do I choose to ignore the signs when something is not good for me?
Why is it so hard for me to let things go?
These questions I don’t yet have an answer for but they are part of my daily existence.
This purge also has me feeling a lot like what I am going through is existential. Not a crisis per se but most definitely existential. I am questioning my existence, the reason I am here, and how I can use my skills and talents to better myself and the world around me.
How I was living before was of no benefit to myself or those around me. I knew the person I wanted to be for so long – but I never actually was that person.
I was unhappy, disguised as happy.
This purge is allowing me to see the rusty edges and hidden grime of my soul that has accumulated over several years of me avoiding to recognize the simple fact that I was unhappy; unhappy because I was not living my life in a way that was authentic to my inner self. Now in the middle of my purge, as I scrub at the floors and dust away the cobwebs in every corner of my house and in myself, I see my true self a little more clearly. I see my flaws, I see my strengths, and I see the way my habits were enabling the negative parts of myself vs. contributing to my growth and awareness as a human.
Understanding my core values, understanding my attachment style, understanding why I think the way I do – all has benefited my current state of mind, and continues to give me strength to continue down this path of awareness and understanding.
I will continue purging both physically and mentally, and I am hoping that this process will continue to aid in the understanding of myself, and highlight the ways that I can be happy. Because happiness does truly start with myself, and I am finally ready.
From my purging experience so far, I know there is a physical purge, a mental purge, and, for me, a direct correlation between the two.
Purging mentally is a process that I have actually been sharing with you, my readers. Blog posts like “Change.”, “The Calm.”, and “Free Fall.” are examples of me purging mentally – I am going through some shit, and writing has been a great way for me to feel, accept and release a lot of the negative emotions I have been holding in.
Physically, I am in the process of a great household purge. The past few weeks I have been going through all of the “stuff” that I have allowed to accumulate over the span of the past 4 or 5 years.
The correlation between the mental and physical purges?
I have become accustomed to living in chaos; in a state that is completely unsavoury and unproductive but comfortable because that is what I had become accustomed to. I am finding the trouble that I have saying goodbye to physical stuff is similar to the trouble that I have in terms of acknowledging and letting go of my emotional stuff.
In other words – the amount of unchecked stuff in my physical world that I had been keeping for absolutely no reason other than the fact that I was choosing to avoid dealing with it – was comparable to the amount of unchecked stuff that was holding me back mentally and emotionally. My mind was a mess of feelings and emotions that I had never dealt with, just like my living space was a mess with crap that I chose to avoid dealing with.
Finally, after a month of being “on my own”, I am beginning to understand some personal habits that have been holding me back. Through the process of this “great purge” I am required to acknowledge parts of myself that I never fully understood nor wanted to understand.
Why do I hold onto things? Why do I choose to ignore the signs when something is not good for me?
Why is it so hard for me to let things go?
These questions I don’t yet have an answer for but they are part of my daily existence.
This purge also has me feeling a lot like what I am going through is existential. Not a crisis per se but most definitely existential. I am questioning my existence, the reason I am here, and how I can use my skills and talents to better myself and the world around me.
How I was living before was of no benefit to myself or those around me. I knew the person I wanted to be for so long – but I never actually was that person.
I was unhappy, disguised as happy.
This purge is allowing me to see the rusty edges and hidden grime of my soul that has accumulated over several years of me avoiding to recognize the simple fact that I was unhappy; unhappy because I was not living my life in a way that was authentic to my inner self. Now in the middle of my purge, as I scrub at the floors and dust away the cobwebs in every corner of my house and in myself, I see my true self a little more clearly. I see my flaws, I see my strengths, and I see the way my habits were enabling the negative parts of myself vs. contributing to my growth and awareness as a human.
Understanding my core values, understanding my attachment style, understanding why I think the way I do – all has benefited my current state of mind, and continues to give me strength to continue down this path of awareness and understanding.
I will continue purging both physically and mentally, and I am hoping that this process will continue to aid in the understanding of myself, and highlight the ways that I can be happy. Because happiness does truly start with myself, and I am finally ready.
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Freefall - Sept 20, 2019
Sky Diving.
Once upon a time, I was blessed to have the surreal opportunity of jumping out of an airplane on my 25th birthday, gifted to me by a soul who will forever be close to my heart. It was the most intense and insane situation I think I have ever experienced… and I find myself relating my current life situation to jumping out of that airplane.
I have lived a certain way for so long, I had become comfortable. Not always content, but comfortable with my surroundings, thinking that life would improve when it would.
Making a decision to change my life drastically was similar to me finding out that I was going to jump out of an airplane.
My heart was racing, my adrenaline was pumping through my veins, and I was nervous as hell. What can ever prepare you to do something that could ultimately end your life?
Not that changing your life means ending your life, but it is the unknown of making that leap of faith where I find these two situations similar.
The Build Up.
I knew it was coming. I was aware of the situation and I knew that what I was about to do was crazy. Possibly insane. There was anxiety, there was fear… there was a buzz in my mind and my heart that I couldn’t get rid of.
I had never jumped out of an airplane before, just like I had never unexpectedly made a change in my life that would cause such upset, to me and others.
You can never prepare yourself; no one can tell you how it’s going to make you feel before, during or after. The only way you’re going to know for sure is by following through.
Once I was committed to the idea, there was no way I was backing down; no matter what my anxiety, insecurities and fears were telling me at the time. It was happening.
The Ride Up.
First of all, I hate being in small planes. So not only was I mentally talking myself down from thinking my parachute wasn’t going to open and that I was going to go SPLAT; I was also freaking the fuck out that I was going to have to get into the smallest plane ever and trust that it was going to carry me all the way to 15,000 feet, bringing me ever closer to my impending SPLAT-ness.
*overreaction much?*
Similar to the small airplane, the closer the arrival came to these drastic changes, the more the tightness in my chest and in my heart increased; like I was being vacuumed from the inside out, and I was going to pass out from lack of air.
Both experiences felt very “out-of-body” for me. Both scary, both brimming with dread and fear, but also a pinch of interest. Interest to see how it was going to go.
Was my parachute going to open? Was my life going to crumble around me?
Was I about to go SPLAT?
Taking The Leap Of Faith.
This is the HARDEST FUCKING PART.
That plane door opens and there’s no turning back. 15,000 feet off the ground, and I was about to consciously JUMP out of an airplane.
Similar to the moment of change arriving, it was now or never. I was about to make a change that I never thought I would. A change that was most definitely going to cause my reality of life to crumble; I was going to free fall.
Free Fall.
Free falling isn’t the worst sensation.
Your heart does jump into your throat, your breath does catch, but the beauty that you behold, the appreciation for life that grows while falling from 15,000 feet in the air… it is indescribable.
That moment of free fall is pure bliss.
Euphoria then follows when your parachute does open and your anxiety is reassured that you are not in fact going to go SPLAT. There is still a small possibility of the wind taking you astray and you crash landing and breaking all of your bones… but hey, your parachute opened (“grrrreeat success”).
But this is where the differences arise when comparing sky diving to my current situation.
In my current situation, there was no bliss as my world crumbled around me, as I fell off the cliff that I was so desperately clinging to. Clinging, instead of facing the fall and letting go, which now feels like something I always had needed to do, but didn’t.
Maybe I have not found that bliss because I am still free falling. My parachute has not opened.
I feel like a bird with broken wings. I am falling from a height so high that the dread of going SPLAT isn’t something at the forefront of my mind, not yet, but it is on my mind.
If I don’t mend my wings, if I don’t catch myself, no one will. Only I can heal myself in the ways I need to be healed. Change the patterns that have gotten me to this point… and there are many patterns that need changing.
I am free falling into what feels like oblivion.
Depression wants to shoot me down. Anxiety yearns to destroy the confidence within myself. The confidence that came from making a choice for me. A choice that only I could make. A choice that shattered me to my core, but also allowed me to acknowledge how functionally dysfunctional and broken I have become.
I am noticing a warm current uplifting me though; slowing my free fall. The warm current comes from friends and family, those willing to stay by my side, and encourage my healing and my growth.
I know in my heart that I will find my wings, just like that parachute did open after the free fall.
It is the unknown that I have always been afraid of, what I was clinging to that cliff to avoid, but in my current free fall I am learning that the unknown is also peaceful.
Once upon a time, I was blessed to have the surreal opportunity of jumping out of an airplane on my 25th birthday, gifted to me by a soul who will forever be close to my heart. It was the most intense and insane situation I think I have ever experienced… and I find myself relating my current life situation to jumping out of that airplane.
I have lived a certain way for so long, I had become comfortable. Not always content, but comfortable with my surroundings, thinking that life would improve when it would.
Making a decision to change my life drastically was similar to me finding out that I was going to jump out of an airplane.
My heart was racing, my adrenaline was pumping through my veins, and I was nervous as hell. What can ever prepare you to do something that could ultimately end your life?
Not that changing your life means ending your life, but it is the unknown of making that leap of faith where I find these two situations similar.
The Build Up.
I knew it was coming. I was aware of the situation and I knew that what I was about to do was crazy. Possibly insane. There was anxiety, there was fear… there was a buzz in my mind and my heart that I couldn’t get rid of.
I had never jumped out of an airplane before, just like I had never unexpectedly made a change in my life that would cause such upset, to me and others.
You can never prepare yourself; no one can tell you how it’s going to make you feel before, during or after. The only way you’re going to know for sure is by following through.
Once I was committed to the idea, there was no way I was backing down; no matter what my anxiety, insecurities and fears were telling me at the time. It was happening.
The Ride Up.
First of all, I hate being in small planes. So not only was I mentally talking myself down from thinking my parachute wasn’t going to open and that I was going to go SPLAT; I was also freaking the fuck out that I was going to have to get into the smallest plane ever and trust that it was going to carry me all the way to 15,000 feet, bringing me ever closer to my impending SPLAT-ness.
*overreaction much?*
Similar to the small airplane, the closer the arrival came to these drastic changes, the more the tightness in my chest and in my heart increased; like I was being vacuumed from the inside out, and I was going to pass out from lack of air.
Both experiences felt very “out-of-body” for me. Both scary, both brimming with dread and fear, but also a pinch of interest. Interest to see how it was going to go.
Was my parachute going to open? Was my life going to crumble around me?
Was I about to go SPLAT?
Taking The Leap Of Faith.
This is the HARDEST FUCKING PART.
That plane door opens and there’s no turning back. 15,000 feet off the ground, and I was about to consciously JUMP out of an airplane.
Similar to the moment of change arriving, it was now or never. I was about to make a change that I never thought I would. A change that was most definitely going to cause my reality of life to crumble; I was going to free fall.
Free Fall.
Free falling isn’t the worst sensation.
Your heart does jump into your throat, your breath does catch, but the beauty that you behold, the appreciation for life that grows while falling from 15,000 feet in the air… it is indescribable.
That moment of free fall is pure bliss.
Euphoria then follows when your parachute does open and your anxiety is reassured that you are not in fact going to go SPLAT. There is still a small possibility of the wind taking you astray and you crash landing and breaking all of your bones… but hey, your parachute opened (“grrrreeat success”).
But this is where the differences arise when comparing sky diving to my current situation.
In my current situation, there was no bliss as my world crumbled around me, as I fell off the cliff that I was so desperately clinging to. Clinging, instead of facing the fall and letting go, which now feels like something I always had needed to do, but didn’t.
Maybe I have not found that bliss because I am still free falling. My parachute has not opened.
I feel like a bird with broken wings. I am falling from a height so high that the dread of going SPLAT isn’t something at the forefront of my mind, not yet, but it is on my mind.
If I don’t mend my wings, if I don’t catch myself, no one will. Only I can heal myself in the ways I need to be healed. Change the patterns that have gotten me to this point… and there are many patterns that need changing.
I am free falling into what feels like oblivion.
Depression wants to shoot me down. Anxiety yearns to destroy the confidence within myself. The confidence that came from making a choice for me. A choice that only I could make. A choice that shattered me to my core, but also allowed me to acknowledge how functionally dysfunctional and broken I have become.
I am noticing a warm current uplifting me though; slowing my free fall. The warm current comes from friends and family, those willing to stay by my side, and encourage my healing and my growth.
I know in my heart that I will find my wings, just like that parachute did open after the free fall.
It is the unknown that I have always been afraid of, what I was clinging to that cliff to avoid, but in my current free fall I am learning that the unknown is also peaceful.
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The Calm - Sept 11, 2019
The calm before the storm.
The energy shifts, and there is silence.
Time slows, and the world sharpens.
Awareness of the storm has been upon you.
The pressure swells as the storm advances.
You’re afraid of it, but it’s like you’ve been waiting for it,
And it’s been waiting for you… old friends.
The wind transforms, the smell comes.
Pure, crisp, raw. Beckoning.
Lightening strikes.
You’re frightened & alone, yet compelled.
The storm won’t last forever.
The wind is roaring now, the energy is electrifying, and the storm is bearing down.
Rain starts as kisses and promptly turns into a thrum that pounds into your bones.
The beat consistent with your racing heart.
But the storm is here.
And you’re going to endure it.
The energy shifts, and there is silence.
Time slows, and the world sharpens.
Awareness of the storm has been upon you.
The pressure swells as the storm advances.
You’re afraid of it, but it’s like you’ve been waiting for it,
And it’s been waiting for you… old friends.
The wind transforms, the smell comes.
Pure, crisp, raw. Beckoning.
Lightening strikes.
You’re frightened & alone, yet compelled.
The storm won’t last forever.
The wind is roaring now, the energy is electrifying, and the storm is bearing down.
Rain starts as kisses and promptly turns into a thrum that pounds into your bones.
The beat consistent with your racing heart.
But the storm is here.
And you’re going to endure it.
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Change - Sept 3, 2019
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Change is hard.
Understanding, accepting, acknowledging any sort of change can be one of the most difficult things in the world. I know change can bring a number of great things, but it is the unknown that comes with change that usually frightens me most. Currently I am at a point in my life where I am debating a great number of GIANT changes that most definitely would change the course of my life… for better or for worse I don’t know. That is the frightening part but also the exciting part. “Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change” – Jim Rohn Everything about this quote is so true. I have yearned for this better life, this dream life, all the while doing the same things over and over again. Getting into the same patterns, making the same choices, wanting change but living in a state of stagnation. My state of stagnation comes from the simple fact that I love my shell. My shell is my place of comfort and safety. My shell is bedecked with colour and notes of positivity. My dreams dazzle outside my shell, illuminating and warming the inside. I am currently realizing though – it has all been an illusion. My shell is crusted with decay and rot. Darker aspects that I have allowed to grow because at the end of the day I am afraid. I am afraid to leave my place of safety, my place of comfort. I am only now realizing how much I have outgrown it. Comfort is easy to get lost in. Comfort is easy to accept. Comfort is something I no longer want to feel. Although I have accomplished a great deal from my place of safety, there is so much more I can do, if only I can escape the jail that I have called home for so long. A “home” that illusions me by whispering sweet nothings in my ear, all the while poisoning me from the inside out. I am ready for change on a drastic scale, a change that will force me from my place of comfort and out into the unknown. The big unknown world where I can finally see the radiant stars that have guided my heart for so long. |
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The information contained on this website, blog, guest blogs, e-mails, videos, programs, services and/or products is for informational purposes only.
It is not clinical in nature.
It is made available to you as self-help tools for your own use.
If you require professional advice, please seek it.
There are no representations or warranties (express or implied), about the completeness, accuracy, reliability, suitability or availability concerning the information, products, services, or related graphics contained on this website or at any ACP event.
Any use of this information is at your own risk.... or benefit. It depends on how you use it!
The sites that we link to via hyperlinks are not under our control. Those sites are responsible for their own content, we are simply offering you more information if you care to view it.
The methods described on this website are the authors’ thoughts. Just some thoughts, not all of them. There is simply not a single definitive set of instructions out there for personal development or for solving relationship issues. Go explore!
You may discover there are other methods and materials to accomplish the goal that you are trying to achieve.
It is not clinical in nature.
It is made available to you as self-help tools for your own use.
If you require professional advice, please seek it.
There are no representations or warranties (express or implied), about the completeness, accuracy, reliability, suitability or availability concerning the information, products, services, or related graphics contained on this website or at any ACP event.
Any use of this information is at your own risk.... or benefit. It depends on how you use it!
The sites that we link to via hyperlinks are not under our control. Those sites are responsible for their own content, we are simply offering you more information if you care to view it.
The methods described on this website are the authors’ thoughts. Just some thoughts, not all of them. There is simply not a single definitive set of instructions out there for personal development or for solving relationship issues. Go explore!
You may discover there are other methods and materials to accomplish the goal that you are trying to achieve.
A Conscious Partner - Development Team
