When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
A man who attended our last Conscious Conversation meeting on conflict wrote to me the day after the meeting. He shared that he appreciated the conversations and the work we put into making the evening interactive. He also reflected on his observations. He said: “people in the room seem to come from a place where they had failed to connect 100% in the past, have learned what they had to learn and now are ready to move forward toward meaningful connections”. He is right. It is all about connecting with others in a meaningful, conscious way. But to connect consciously, you have to be yourself or else the relationship will not last.
The thing is, often we focus on only one connection. The first one is usually the chemistry connection; the emotion you experience. Your heart races, your blood pressure rises, you MUST see the person again. It’s often linked to the physical attraction you have for the person and them for you. Unfortunately, it’s not enough to sustain us…, it fades, and then we start peeling the onion…, and little by little each layer makes us realize that the person seating across the table from us does not know us. How could they? In our attempt to extend the fog-like state, the pheromones-link euphoria, we presented an image of someone who is not our true self.
We need a stronger foundation for the relationship to last.
Like my friend Bruce explained in his blog “The coffee date, the birth of the 4-month relationship”, the coffee date gets us into a relationship long before we should, with someone we don’t know, preying on our desire not to be alone and our need for companionship. If you have not read his blog yet, do so. It's worth it!
We have to understand that Chemistry is not Compatibility.
The illusion or the perception of who we thought our partner was is not real. It’s not our partner’s fault. The image that they have of us is also not real because we have not let them see who we are and perhaps, the times that we have shown each other our true colors, we chose to ignore them because we are afraid to rock the boat.
Like Maya Angelou said: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
We all know that we cannot change people, we can only change who we are. So why do we keep hoping they will change? Why do we keep pushing them to conform to the mold we created? A mold that has been shaped by our past (upbringing, former relationships, societal norms, attachment style, etc.). How is that fair?
We must connect on more than that one level to be successful in a relationship. It’s not just about having great holidays together (time on the beach is not real life), or the fact that they make you laugh. It’s also about can you stand the way they chew gum? Do you feel like you can talk to them without being judged? How do they budget their expenses? Do they know what your needs are? Do you know each other’s love languages and how to respond to them? And much more…
Find out on what level you connect with your partner or potential partner; don’t be afraid to discuss the 8 Conscious Connections one by one and see where you click. You can even make a date out of it. It does not need to be serious and complicated. However, never forget to BE YOURSELF!