The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can
Carl R. Rogers
It is so easy to tell others what to do while not doing it ourselves. If you cannot take yourself outside of the situation and be an observer, you will not solve the problem. Every problem has a solution. You just have to find it. It may not be what you would like, but the solution is there. Stop wasting time agonizing over things that you cannot control. If it is not what you are doing that causes the issue than the burden is not on you. Right? Easier said than done!
I have found myself in situations where I knew the logical solution but didn’t heed my own advice (afraid to offend, listening to others, fearful of feeling hurt, or plainly hoping). Because with hope comes the feeling and desire that what we want can happen. Hope can also give a sense of direction. It can activate a determination to work on what needs to be done to achieve the goals we want. So, if your goal is eventually to be in a long-term relationship, put your oxygen mask on first. Do the work that needs to be done. It’s not enough to know who we are. Once we have done the work (which by the way never ends) to be conscious and aware of who we are, we have to “practice” being that person. So, show them your true colors chemistry-compatibility-and-true-colors.html
Psychologists have shown that it is hard to know who we are unless others let us know how we affect them. Yet, we want others to see us the way we see ourselves. How do you see you? Is it the best version of you? Is that version of you making others feel uncomfortable? Although you are not responsible for how others feel, it would be wise to ponder on why you make them feel uncomfortable. So, put your oxygen mask on first. Do what you need to do to be the best version of yourself. See how that version affects others. Take in what they are telling you without judgment; knowing that they have their own issues to deal with, and they should be doing the same. However, you are not responsible for how they choose to work on themselves.
There is a good reason why flight attendants tell you to put your oxygen mask on first before you attend to anyone who might need assistance. If you are incapacitated by the lack of oxygen, how are you going to be able to assist others? Same with relationships. If some aspects of your situation are triggering you, how are you able to work towards a conscious relationship if you are not managing those triggers and taking care of yourself? As well, are you the eternal caregiver, listener, counselor? Don’t get me wrong; there is nothing like being there for others. However, when you are contemplating dating, dating, or just getting to know someone, be careful that you do not fall into the trap of stopping your growth and losing who you are because you are trying to help or trying to fit in. Put your oxygen mask on first. Take care of your personal growth.
Everyone comes to the table with baggage. Once you open that suitcase, inevitably stuff will fall out of it. Some of us pack lightly, and some of us sat on that suitcase to shut it close. So, the minute we open it a little bit, things start falling out.
Don’t expect the person you’re interested in or dating to pick up the pieces for you. You can unpack and put each piece where they belong or leave the stuff on the floor, scattered around the suitcase, trip over it…Is it fair to ask the other person to stand in the doorway and watch you take your time to unpack or go through the pile as you hesitate whether or not you should throw this piece out, put it where it belongs or put it back in the suitcase? You could be there all night. They can’t help you make the decision; it’s your stuff. Clean it up! Is it fair to be upset at them if they ask: “would you like me to leave while you take care of this, I don’t want to be in the way?.” They might not even ask, they might just say they’re leaving. They might also stand there, uncomfortable. Be observant, see the signs for what they are.
We’ve all heard of the saying “if one door closes, another one opens.” I prefer “if the door doesn’t open, it wasn’t your door.” Not to say the door could not open later. As I said before, there is always hope. But for now, put your oxygen mask on first. Deal with your baggage. Be kind to yourself and never stop your personal growth. You are worth it!