What you think is what you create!
After a Summer and Fall hiatus, I wanted to leave you with a last blog for 2018. As we leave another year behind, many of us take stock of what we’ve accomplished in the past year or start to make resolutions for the New Year. I’m not big on New Year resolutions. I prefer to focus on following a well-laid path to continuous personal growth. I’m a firm believer of what we think about is what we create. Which made me think that a different approach to New Year resolutions may be to reset the mindset. In my profession, I often discuss being in the right mindset with my clients. I think it’s relevant to dating and relationships as well.
Have you ever had a day when all seem to go to hell in a handbasket? You feel shitty; you think you’ll never be in a loving relationship, you’ll never find the one? Every New Year, some people say: “this is the year I find my life partner,” but they continue with the same old habits that keep them with the same results.
Be honest with yourself. How important is it to you to be in a conscious relationship? Do you want to be in a relationship so you are not alone, or do you want to share life with someone, collaborate, discover things, grow as individuals, and grow the relationship? Until you answer that question, you’ll find yourself doing the “same ole same ole,” getting the same results, and being frustrated with those results. Sound familiar? We have all been there.
In other words, what do you think is worth struggling for? I saw a play recently (Brave Girl), and the message that stood out for me was when one of the characters explained what her dad said to her. I am paraphrasing here: “Dad extended his left arm and with his right index he pointed to the inside of his extended arm at the elbow. Then, he said "this is Point A and then pointed to his left wrist and said this is Point B. My job is to get you to go from Point A to Point B, then, one by one, he extended the fingers from his left hand and said after that, you could choose any path you want. For now, I have to keep you on the straight and narrow”. I loved that analogy because, to me, it represents everything in life. As I reflected on the mission and goals of A Conscious Partner, it reminded me that we just give you the skills; actually, we help surface the skills you need to get you from Point A to Point B (awareness and communication skills for every relationship). The path you choose to take to build the relationship is up to you. It made me think of the importance of the right mindset. So as we are sharing information with you, today, I’d like to share an activity that may help you reset your mindset about dating and relationships and start next year in a new frame of mind.
You’ll start with two pages. One will be called “My old dating habits” the other one “My new dating practices.” Now, on the old dating habits page, I want you to make two columns, on the left side you will write down all the pleasure and benefits you gain from maintaining your old dating habits. Be honest; this is for you. For example, it could be “I don’t have to spend Saturday night alone” or “it makes me feel wanted.” You can also do this if you are in a relationship, simply substitute relationship for dating.
Did you write it all out? Okay, now, on the right side, I want you to write down all the pain and costs to your life that your old dating or relationship habits have caused. For example, it could be: “I feel anxious; it seems no matter how many dates I go on, I’ll never find the right person for me.” It could also be, for those in a relationship, “I don’t like the way we argue about little things.” Again, be really honest, exhaust this list as much as possible.
Now that you’ve taken care of the OLD habits move on to the next page, your NEW practices. For the New Practices page, on the left side think of all the pleasure your best conscious relationship could bring you, think of the joy, the sense of cooperation between you and your partner, the personal growth. So, it might be things like the feeling that you can be authentic and transparent with your partner without feeling judged. You may feel like things are easy, you share the same core values, you know how to fight fairly and use a collaborative approach when dealing with disagreements…Write down everything on the left side.
It’s time for the right side. Write out the pain and cost to your life that not changing would cause. It could be missing out on a great conscious relationship, or not knowing what it’s like to have someone have your back, for example.
This might seem simple, but that’s the beauty of it. By the way, part of you might want to skip this exercise, but I promise you this is a perfect first step in taking back control of your personal growth, your dating habits, and your relationship. You could decide not to do this exercise but remember that your mindset is at the foundation of your decisions, and introspection is one skill that can help you reset your mindset. It’s all part of letting go of the past (stuck-in-the-past.html) and developing the skills that will help you take the right path this upcoming year. Let’s stop walking blindly through life repeating the same things and expecting new results. Let’s reset our mindset to focus on what we want in life. Now, it takes practice. You will be continuously resetting your mindset to stay on track. Remember the analogy of the extended arm. If you fall off the edge, you won’t get to Point B; if you don’t get to Point B, how can you get to choose the right path for you? In other words, you need to develop the necessary skills that will take you to where you want to be.
The walk from Point A to Point B is your mindset. Focusing on what you wrote down on your New Practices page will keep you in the right mindset. If you are in the right mindset, taking the steps necessary to achieve what you want will seem natural and easy. We are here with you, every step of the way.
I wish you joy, a sense of purpose, inner peace, and self-love!