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Life Lessons
Every day I become more aware of how different people are, yet we are all the same.
I have now talked in depth with thousands of people and it seems that we all are struggling for affirmation and connection and we do it in the most dysfunctional ways. What I have learned is that virtually everyone has some kind of childhood grief that they are unaware of and even those of us who have never had any kind of serious trauma suffer burdens from childhood and beyond that weigh heavily on who we are and how we interact in the world, and I am no different. We all are faced with far more than is "fair", and what I faced with is actually not nearly as difficult, or even as real, as what I have made it up in our mind. My own perceptions of life, family and were formed in my childhood, and my childhood was different than those of my siblings. Not bad or worse, just different. We were born from the same parents, but we had different upbringings in so many ways. When we consider that we all have different personalities, different life experiences, different friends, interactions, schools, and as a result vastly different life experiences, it's no wonder that there are times that miscommunication and misunderstanding interfere with relationships. Then, as we all get "attached" as we go through life, we add in more personalities, upbringings and life experiences to add to the mix. I have always been aware that I was more assertive/aggressive (annoying!!) than many others, but what I hadn't realized until the past 10 years is why I am like that. I have come to realize and understand that I have a fear of abandonment and a fear of rejection that keeps me in the twilight zone of seeking affirmation in order to feel 'connected', but then pushing it away because what has happened to me as a child has led me to believe (in my own head) that I am not worthy of being loved and that if I don't allow anyone to get close to me, then they can't abandon me later. (This is called "Attachment Style". We all have one. I am a Dismissive Avoidant.) I have learned that I have been seeking "love" and at the same time pushing it away because my mind has perceived and my biases constantly confirm that not matter what happens, that I will be abandoned or rejected in some way. As I have come to realize, I am not alone. I have come to understand that the majority of people go through life having these same feelings and that this is why so many people struggle in their lives and relationships. I am not an "oddball". Not everyone deals with it the same way that I do, but the many other ways are equally as dysfunctional in their own ways. There is nobody to "blame" and I am certainly not a victim of anything or anyone. Mom and Dad were good parents who did the absolute best they could and had nothing but the best of intentions, just like I also had the best of intention and was doing the best that I could with my children. The lessons I have learned revolve around understanding that everyone is imperfect in different ways and that the sooner that I can recognize, accept and make adjustments to my flaws, the sooner life will get easier! 
Family
I am the third of 4 children and up until I was about 33 years old, I thought that I had relatively healthy relationships with everyone, although those relationships were all completely different.
When I was young, I think I was closest to Dianne. I remember us talking often about so many things. For some reason I remember singing along to Fleetwood Mac and feeling so close and connected. Our relationship naturally changed as we got older and especially after she married Keith. Looking back on it now, I can now see how I likely perceived this as being abandoned and knowing what I know now, it was likely confirming to me that I wasn't worthy and was likely the reason that Keith and I never seemed to see eye to eye. I do know that I would have done anything for Dianne and "losing" her was a big blow. Although it may have developed a little later, my relationship with Doug was a bond that I thought could never be broken. Whether it was hockey, softball or work, we always seemed to know and understand each other at a level that was far beyond average. He was much more easy going than I was and my desire to help him an any way that I could was something that brought me the affirmation that I was seeking; it had me feeling worthy and that I was a good person. What I can see now is that my need for affirmation and my constant desire to help was actually putting pressure on him to "accept" that help and I think that in the end it was too much and when Sandra came into his life, it was clear that there was going to be a change. In my mind, it was another rejection/abandonment. There is no question that Doug was absolutely my best friend in life and when he backed out of my life, for reasons that he couldn't even explain, there is no question that it was the most difficult and confusing time of my life up to that point. My relationship with Brent was always different than with Doug or Dianne. I don't know exactly why we never seemed to be too close. We just didn't interact the same way or have the same things in common. Looking back now, it was a missed opportunity. Once Sherri came into his life, it was clear that there was no desire for them as a couple to have a relationship with me in any meaningful way. Now, was it clear to me because that made me "right" and proved once again that I was not "worthy"? I don't know that answer yet. I have come to realize that "confirmation bias" is a powerful tool that many people use to "justify" their dysfunctions. It took me many years to realize what was happening, but it was clear that I was the "problem" and that I just had to accept that my relationships with my own siblings were never going to be what I would hope they would be. My perception of what has happened is that other people want me to accept and respect who they are, which I think I do, but it feels like nobody wants to accept me for who I am. I feel that it's a catch-22 that needs to be brought into the light and discussed openly rather than being "hidden'. My fear moving forward is that before long, we are going to be faced with an extremely difficult period in the not so distant future. Mom and dad are getting to the age where they are facing their own mortality and it's time that we face it also. I personally believe that it would be a powerful and heart warming feeling for them, for all 4 of us to be together with each of them while we enjoy food, fun and laughs before the time comes when it can no longer happen. I think it's something that needs to be done. I have talked to Mom and Dad and I know that they would be thrilled to have it happen. I also would like to see it happen. I know that as I went through my grief program, it became very clear that what is really missing in my life is my connection to my family and I have made a commitment to myself to make adjustments if they are possible. I am committed to take the steps necessary to discover if my family relationships can be healed, or if I need to finally accept that my siblings simply have no desire to connect in a meaningful way. If that is the case, then I can properly grieve these relationships, let go of the pain, and stop carrying the burden that I have been carrying for the past 20 years. I will put in the effort to connect if it's possible, or to let go if that is what needs to happen, but the burden needs to be reduced. 
My Flaws
I knew that I had my share flaws and in most cases I could even see how those flaws played out in all of my relationships, but what I didn't realize was that until those flaws are understood and effectively dealt with, my flaws will actually interfere not only with my relationships, but also with my overall long-term happiness.
The problem is, that many of my "flaws" also contribute to what I consider to be fantastic attributes. What I have come to understand is that it's not about changing the good things, it's about being more curious not only about how I perceive others, but also about how I am being perceived by others, so that I can make adjustments in how I am communicating. I didn't realize that my direct and forthright style of communication usually comes across as arrogance or egoism, whereas I thought it was confidence. If it was arrogance or egoism, then i wouldn't feel the pain that i am feeling. As it turns out, it is really a combination of affirmation seeking and people pleasing, which is unhealthy not just for me, but also for those around me. I am pretty sure I have a handle on it now. I didn't realize that my ability to think about things and to make decisions by taking out the emotions and being "practical", made it seem that I was being cold-hearted and that I had no empathy or compassion. As it turns out, I now realize that I have an abundance of empathy and compassion, I simply deal with it differently than most people and they don't understand what I am doing. What I have really come to understand is that there are pros and cons to every aspect of my personality, and the sooner I can identify and understand the "cons" of what it is that I am doing, the easier my life will be. I think I can do that now! It's funny how when I was walking around with the blurred vision that I was not worthy of being loved and that I was actually just scared of being rejected or abandoned What I also now realize is that there are some people who simply cannot ever see the other side of a particular subject and have a reasonable discussion and when that is the case, it's likely best to simply listen and try to understand their perspective, learn what can be learned and then back away. A back and forth dialogue is simply not possible with someone who isn't willing to see two sides of a discussion. I think that communication and even disagreement is fun because that is when I am learning. It is an opportunity to test my perceptions and theories against the perceptions of theories of others and that is when we all can learn. If we only have discussions with people who have our same thoughts and opinions, then we aren't really learning anything! Through all of my events, I have discovered that there are people who simply don't want to ever see "the other side" because they have committed their entire existence to seeing things a certain way, and if that way is challenged, then they will be at risk of losing "who they are" and everything they have stood for. In other words, they have their own fears of abandonment and rejection that they are not yet willing to face, just as I wasn't ready. As a species, we are all different people, but when we dig deep inside, we are all very similar! 
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I want to live a "CoNscious" Life!
Conscious.... What Does that mean?
Being "conscious" is not for the faint of heart.
Hopes and prayers will not get me there.
Opening my third eye will not get me there.
Words, platitudes and avoiding the truth of who I am... will not get me there.
There is only one way to get there.
I must know myself. Understand myself.
Recognition, Authenticity, Transparency, Responsibility, Consistency, Acceptance
The 6 Conscious Principles
Knowing, understanding and examining every aspect of myself will get me started.
Letting go of the walls around my heart and my mind will keep me on the path.
Truly forgiving everyone who has ever wronged me will get me further.
Forgiving myself will have me even closer.
And then just one more step will take me over the top.
The ability to truly accept myself... to be able to laugh at my own flaws.
Sure, I can adjust some of them, but not all of them.
They’re mine.... and they are what make me who I am.
Nobody’s perfect, and that means we all have flaws.
I have to identify mine, change the ones I can change.
And then learn to accept and live with what remains.
Without transferring the responsibility for my flaws to someone else.
So how do I know when I’m being unconscious?
It’s actually pretty easy when I pay attention.
My words and actions quickly reveal my state of mind.
I simply need to listen to what I say and really "feel" my emotions. That’s all it takes.
If I am unconscious I will react, rather than respond.
I will get defensive rather than curious.
I will find someone to blame instead of accepting my part and then addressing the issues at hand.
And I will constantly feel disrespected and let down. I will always be the victim.
I get to decide if I want to be conscious.
I can choose to put in the effort.
I can choose to open up... to release... to grow.
Or not.
I can only control me.
My effort. My growth.
And that is what I choose to do.
Maybe one day others will join me.
I wAS addicted at 3 years old...
Yes, I was hooked at a young age and I have been looking for the fix ever since. But how could addiction be possible at that age?
Well, it was easy. It was all around me...every day. It was everywhere. It was in my house, it was at my school, it was at every friend’s house, it was inside every team or group of people that I have ever associated with.
Where were my parents?
Well to be honest they were right there...feeding it to me. It’s not their fault though.
They were just doing what they were taught....what everyone else was doing. They did what they thought was best. Like most drugs, once I was addicted, once it was a key part of my life, it was then me who passed it on to my kids. Not because I am a bad person, not because I meant them harm, but only because it was and still is, "normal". It is what was done, it's what is still done now.
It is ingrained in our society.
So what is this addiction that I refer to?
"Destination Addiction" Maybe better known as: “I’ll Be Happy When”
When I was 3...I couldn’t wait to be 4.
When I was in Kindergarten, I couldn’t wait to be in grade 1.
In grade 1, I couldn’t wait to be in grade 2...
Every year, I couldn’t wait for my birthday...for Christmas morning...for holidays....
When I was in school, I was looking forward to summer.
Then when summer came I was looking forward to being back in school.
In grade 10, I was so excited at the prospect of graduating high school and getting out in the world....of getting a hot car...of finding a girl.....of having sex.....of getting a job.....making money...
Then my thoughts were dominated by what might happen when I did graduate and become independent.
Yes, that would be amazing...and yet when it happened... it wasn’t.....my thoughts were ahead of me again.
I would be happy when I could get my own place....buy some furniture; maybe get a motorcycle...that would be fun!
(It wasn’t actually...I sold it after 3 weeks because I was pretty sure I was going to kill myself riding that thing)
Maybe I needed to find a partner, someone to share my life with. That would make me happy!
I guess I had to find that person.
Maybe I would be happy when I moved across the country to get yet a better job.
I accomplished that, but it didn’t seem to be enough.
Okay, time to get married...and to settle down.. and make more money to buy all the stuff that I was told would make me happy.
Maybe happiness could be found with that new fangled VCR for watching movies, or a space age microwave that would cook my food so easily and make my life happy... (well the microwave was amazing!)
Maybe happiness could be found with a better stereo system for better and louder music, and that brand of beer that would make everything more fun.
Sure I had to spend money, but it was so obvious that if I wanted to be happy, I would need to work harder and smarter in order to get all the stuff that would get me there! I just needed a better job where I could make more money! So I went and did that... just like I was told.
So now it was time to buy a house and start a family........yes....then I would be happy. (Hmm...I am sensing a theme here).
Surely I would be happy when:
The kids got older and could take care of themselves
When the commissions started coming in on the next new job
When I got a new vehicle
When the house got paid off
When the kids graduated high school
But “happy” still wasn’t there...
Maybe I would be happy when we split up...
When I was finally settled in with my new relationship
When my new partner and I could get things paid off and look forward to retirement...
When I could rebuild my life after being struck by lightning.
When I could function in public again.
When I could start dating again.
When I might be able to find another beautiful stranger to share my life with.
When my daughters would finally see me for who I really am and not through the lens of the past.
When I could rebuild my confidence and self esteem.
Just where was this happiness thing? Why couldn’t I find it?
Sure, I helped raise 2 beautiful girls who are healthy and educated...but what did I really teach them?
Did I really just give them the same drug that I was given? The one most of us are given...
Want stuff. Go to work. Buy stuff. Realize that happiness wasn’t achieved. Acquire debt to buy more stuff. Work harder to pay off debt. Put off happiness until stuff is paid for...which is never.....because we are constantly buying more stuff in order to be "happy"!
Am I living my life just to get to the end? To just pay bills and then die? Does my entire life really revolve around working endlessly so that I can pay off the stuff that I have to buy because I am told that if I have that stuff then I will be happy?
You know what? I think it’s time for a change.
It’s time for me to help my daughters understand that happiness is not "out there".
It’s right here between my ears. Between their ears.
Now don’t get me wrong, I understand that although money can’t buy actual happiness, that it can buy a certain level of comfort, entertainment and stability that makes finding happiness much easier, and I want that too.
What I am talking about is how true happiness has nothing to do with “stuff”. It has nothing to do with image.
Happiness revolves around living life authentically and being content with who I am, what I want and where I am going.
Happiness is living in such a way that I can be myself and that the people who surround me will have me feeling comfortable and at peace with the world.
I must take the time to actually think about what makes me happy and understanding how to live my life doing those things and living that way.
Well, it was easy. It was all around me...every day. It was everywhere. It was in my house, it was at my school, it was at every friend’s house, it was inside every team or group of people that I have ever associated with.
Where were my parents?
Well to be honest they were right there...feeding it to me. It’s not their fault though.
They were just doing what they were taught....what everyone else was doing. They did what they thought was best. Like most drugs, once I was addicted, once it was a key part of my life, it was then me who passed it on to my kids. Not because I am a bad person, not because I meant them harm, but only because it was and still is, "normal". It is what was done, it's what is still done now.
It is ingrained in our society.
So what is this addiction that I refer to?
"Destination Addiction" Maybe better known as: “I’ll Be Happy When”
When I was 3...I couldn’t wait to be 4.
When I was in Kindergarten, I couldn’t wait to be in grade 1.
In grade 1, I couldn’t wait to be in grade 2...
Every year, I couldn’t wait for my birthday...for Christmas morning...for holidays....
When I was in school, I was looking forward to summer.
Then when summer came I was looking forward to being back in school.
In grade 10, I was so excited at the prospect of graduating high school and getting out in the world....of getting a hot car...of finding a girl.....of having sex.....of getting a job.....making money...
Then my thoughts were dominated by what might happen when I did graduate and become independent.
Yes, that would be amazing...and yet when it happened... it wasn’t.....my thoughts were ahead of me again.
I would be happy when I could get my own place....buy some furniture; maybe get a motorcycle...that would be fun!
(It wasn’t actually...I sold it after 3 weeks because I was pretty sure I was going to kill myself riding that thing)
Maybe I needed to find a partner, someone to share my life with. That would make me happy!
I guess I had to find that person.
Maybe I would be happy when I moved across the country to get yet a better job.
I accomplished that, but it didn’t seem to be enough.
Okay, time to get married...and to settle down.. and make more money to buy all the stuff that I was told would make me happy.
Maybe happiness could be found with that new fangled VCR for watching movies, or a space age microwave that would cook my food so easily and make my life happy... (well the microwave was amazing!)
Maybe happiness could be found with a better stereo system for better and louder music, and that brand of beer that would make everything more fun.
Sure I had to spend money, but it was so obvious that if I wanted to be happy, I would need to work harder and smarter in order to get all the stuff that would get me there! I just needed a better job where I could make more money! So I went and did that... just like I was told.
So now it was time to buy a house and start a family........yes....then I would be happy. (Hmm...I am sensing a theme here).
Surely I would be happy when:
The kids got older and could take care of themselves
When the commissions started coming in on the next new job
When I got a new vehicle
When the house got paid off
When the kids graduated high school
But “happy” still wasn’t there...
Maybe I would be happy when we split up...
When I was finally settled in with my new relationship
When my new partner and I could get things paid off and look forward to retirement...
When I could rebuild my life after being struck by lightning.
When I could function in public again.
When I could start dating again.
When I might be able to find another beautiful stranger to share my life with.
When my daughters would finally see me for who I really am and not through the lens of the past.
When I could rebuild my confidence and self esteem.
Just where was this happiness thing? Why couldn’t I find it?
Sure, I helped raise 2 beautiful girls who are healthy and educated...but what did I really teach them?
Did I really just give them the same drug that I was given? The one most of us are given...
Want stuff. Go to work. Buy stuff. Realize that happiness wasn’t achieved. Acquire debt to buy more stuff. Work harder to pay off debt. Put off happiness until stuff is paid for...which is never.....because we are constantly buying more stuff in order to be "happy"!
Am I living my life just to get to the end? To just pay bills and then die? Does my entire life really revolve around working endlessly so that I can pay off the stuff that I have to buy because I am told that if I have that stuff then I will be happy?
You know what? I think it’s time for a change.
It’s time for me to help my daughters understand that happiness is not "out there".
It’s right here between my ears. Between their ears.
Now don’t get me wrong, I understand that although money can’t buy actual happiness, that it can buy a certain level of comfort, entertainment and stability that makes finding happiness much easier, and I want that too.
What I am talking about is how true happiness has nothing to do with “stuff”. It has nothing to do with image.
Happiness revolves around living life authentically and being content with who I am, what I want and where I am going.
Happiness is living in such a way that I can be myself and that the people who surround me will have me feeling comfortable and at peace with the world.
I must take the time to actually think about what makes me happy and understanding how to live my life doing those things and living that way.
No matter what my real intentions are, for some, my intentions will be misinterpreted.
No matter how hard I try, for some, I should have tried harder.
No matter how much I achieve, for some, it will never be enough.
I must stop living my life trying to “make” other people happy.
Why? Well, mostly because it just isn't possible. I can't force someone to like me, I can't compel someone to see things my way.
I can't influence someone in an effort to gain real respect, and I certainly can't "make" someone else happy.
Yes, I can do things or say things that I know that they like, but my happiness is an inside job. (Their happiness is up to them.)
I stand a much better chance by just being me and making sure that I am happy, because that is when they stand the best chance of seeing the real me and appreciating who I am.
I must be authentic. I can't "try" to be authentic, because I now realize that the moment I "try" to be authentic....then I am not.
(Think about that one!)
Sure, it's possible that they may not like me, but that is their choice.
What is far worse is the hypocrisy of me putting myself through constant turmoil trying to force someone to see the real me...and trying to do that by not being who I really am.
I will never be happy as long as I am presenting a false me to others, in a futile attempt to "make" them like me.
My goal in life moving forward is to simply be me, and if put my effort there, and stop worrying about “pleasing” others, the right person will come along and see the real me...and appreciate who I am, just as I am looking for someone who thinks the same way to share my life with.
I am battling my addiction.
So when will I be happy?
I think right now is a good time to start.
Why? Well, mostly because it just isn't possible. I can't force someone to like me, I can't compel someone to see things my way.
I can't influence someone in an effort to gain real respect, and I certainly can't "make" someone else happy.
Yes, I can do things or say things that I know that they like, but my happiness is an inside job. (Their happiness is up to them.)
I stand a much better chance by just being me and making sure that I am happy, because that is when they stand the best chance of seeing the real me and appreciating who I am.
I must be authentic. I can't "try" to be authentic, because I now realize that the moment I "try" to be authentic....then I am not.
(Think about that one!)
Sure, it's possible that they may not like me, but that is their choice.
What is far worse is the hypocrisy of me putting myself through constant turmoil trying to force someone to see the real me...and trying to do that by not being who I really am.
I will never be happy as long as I am presenting a false me to others, in a futile attempt to "make" them like me.
My goal in life moving forward is to simply be me, and if put my effort there, and stop worrying about “pleasing” others, the right person will come along and see the real me...and appreciate who I am, just as I am looking for someone who thinks the same way to share my life with.
I am battling my addiction.
So when will I be happy?
I think right now is a good time to start.
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