Conflict in a relationship becomes harmful when we start to focus on defending ourselves rather than trying to solve the problem.

When we all were kids, at school we learned about math and science and social studies and biology and chemistry and all of the other "subjects."

We learned how to get along in social environments, bullying, peer pressure and so much more. 

From our parents and friends and others, we may have learned about sports, cars, music, food, money,  and even from where babies come!

We learned a lot of "rules", but did we ever really learn how to deal with conflict in a relationship?

By understanding and following the "rules", we can actually use potential conflict as a way to grow our relationships rather than drive a wedge between us.

Do No Harm

The first and most important commandment is  to not do or say anything that is meant to hurt our partner in any way.

There is no argument, discussion or disagreement that can justify any form of physical or emotional harm.

Recognize

Understand What is Happening

What is it that triggered the emotions? 
What is the actual problem?
Are you hungry or stressed?
Are you distracted or in a new situation?
What is the fear?

Preserve Trust

Say What You Mean...

...mean what you say.   When we make "idle threats", like "I'm done", or "Let's end this", we lose credibility. Saying things we don't mean puts us in a position where we our partner loses trust and we lose integrity. Use words wisely.

Don't Attack

Don't Criticize or Blame!

We can criticize the problem, but not our partner. We can be frustrated without attacking. We need to own our feelings and express them in a responsible way.

Avoid the 4 Horsemen

Criticism, Contempt,
Defensiveness, Stonewalling

Dr. John Gottman says that there are 4 communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship. It's important that we avoid them! 

A relationship without any disagreements is often a sign
of a relationship with secrets!

Romeo & Juliet are a perfect example of why communication
in a relationship is so important!

A Disagreement Agreement

  The Rules that We Agree to Follow.

 In any relationship, conflict of some kind is going to happen, so why not plan ahead to keep it  honest and safe.

Take the time to discuss with each other how we want to deal with conflict in a positive way. 

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Be Sincere

What's the Real Problem?

It's important that the real issue is being discussed. It's easy to get sidetracked by avoiding the specific problem or "beating around the bush". We can't deal with the real issue if we avoid it!

Stay Focused

One Issue at a Time!

Keep the discussion focused on what the real problem is, or be sure that we have discovered the real problem. If we are arguing about finances, don't throw in grievances about parenting or in-laws or anything else that isn't relevent right now!

Clarify - Paraphrase - Confirm

Be Clear & Understand

Before we get too far into a disagreement, let's be sure we are clear about the problem. Partner A Clarifies the issue. Partner B paraphrases. Partner A then confirms. Keep going until it's clear! 

Don't Try to Win

No Winners

For one of us to win, the other would have to LOSE. We are partners... if one loses then we both lose. A disagreement should never be about controlling our partner or vengeance. Don't fight for the win, fight for the relationship.

The Hard Part!

Seeing the rules and learning the rules is easy. Putting the rules into practice...not so much! It might take many years of consistent practice to develop these skills. It might not....but it will take some commitment.

It is important to learn the rules and to "practice" them as we can see a potential conflict approaching. We are all going to make mistakes. All of us. That's why we need to practice. The more we practice and the easier we accept our mistakes, as long as there is progress, the easier it will get.

Yes, it is hard in the beginning. It feels unnatural. It feels forced. It can feel counterproductive to stop and look at some rules and try to follow them when emotions are high and emotional triggers are going off left and right. But isn't that maybe the best time to make the commitment to stop and start looking at the rules?

It's worth the effort. It's worth feeling small for a while. In time, with a little practice, some focus and some mistakes, it will become easier and your relationship will thank you for it.

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It is not clinical in nature.
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