Why Do We Have Conflict? 

Because we don't know the rules!

The vast majority of us have never been properly educated on what it means to effectively deal with conflict in a relationship.

Unfortunately, most of us have learned, or have modeled our conflict behaviors, based on the most fruitless ways to deal with conflict in a fair and effective manner.

As we have all experienced, issues usually start out innocently enough but then they quickly escalate. It's easy for something to be poorly communicated or taken out of context, as we all think differently!

That's because we have different moods, different upbringings, different experiences and different perceptions of almost every subject and situation. We have different attachment styles, different personalities, different core values and we often are "fighting" because we have fears that are being triggered and needs that aren't being met.

The Key to Conscious Conflict

Handling conflict effectively is all about Awareness and Desire:

An Awareness of the Rules
An Awareness of Ourselves
An Awareness of our Partner

A Desire to Resolve
A Desire to Understand
A Desire to Grow the Relationship

The information on this page is clearly explained and presented in an online event we call "The Conflict Connection", which is one of 48 different events that we host as a part of "The Conscious Quest". 

Dealing with conflict is about understanding all aspects of ourselves and our fun and interactive events will support you in that journey.

Conflict is a complicated and contentious problem in most relationships and here are the Ten Keys to develop your Conflict Connection.

1 - Understand the Rules

There are any number of routines in our life that would be extremely difficult without written rules. Driving is a good example. If nobody knew the rules of the road, what kind of chaos would there be? How many "collisions" would occur?

Well, dealing with conflict in our lives is no different. When we don't know the rules, there will be lots of "collisions". The first step to understanding and improving conflict is to review, understand and adopt "The 10 Commandments of Conflict".

2 - Know the Styles

Over the course of our lives, whenever we have conflict, we develop certain styles, or a combination of styles, that we feel allows us the best chance of getting our needs met in the particular situation we are in. It's important to both identify and understand the ways that we all tend to "act" when we are in conflict. There is only one way that is the most productive, there are 3 ways that have both positive aspects and drawbacks, and there are 6 ways that are relationship killers! 
Learn more about "The 10 Conflict Styles"

3 - Control Emotional Triggers

There is nothing more important than controlling our "Emotional Triggers". It is our lack of control in this area that escalates what starts out as a discussion into a full fledged argument. If we are not aware of our triggers, or more importantly, how to control them, it is likely that we may never achieve the level of peace that are looking for in our relationship. We will always feel attacked and underappreciated, even when the opposite is true.

Check out "The Conscious Quest" to take the "Emotional Triggers" event
or send an email request "HERE".         Learn more; "Emotional Triggers"

4 - Get Curious

Whenever we are faced with a situation that could potentially lead to conflict, we have 2 choices that we can make. We can get Curious, or we can get Defensive. In almost every case, if we make the decision to get "defensive", we have made the choice to introduce conflict into our lives. If, on the other hand, we get "curious", we have taken the first step towards better understanding both our partner and the situation as we strive to keep conflict from entering the equation.

Check out "The Conscious Quest" to take the "Curious or Defensive" event,
or send an email request "HERE".       Learn more; "Get Curious"

5 - Listen to Understand

Most people listen to respond. If our goal is to reduce or even eliminate conflict, then the first and most important skill we can develop is something called "Active Listening". Active listening refers to a pattern of listening that keeps you engaged with the other person in a positive way. It is the process of listening attentively while paraphrasing and reflecting back what is said, without judgment and the offering of advice.

Check out "The Conscious Quest" to take the "Conscious Communication" event
or send an email request "HERE".              Learn more; "Active Listening"

6 - Consider the Other Perspective

Perspective matters. When conflict is on our doorstep, it's important to unlock the door to perspective. If we can take the time to consider what the other person is seeing, and feeling,  and understanding "why", then we have an chance to actually grow together rather than fall apart. The same information can look completely different from a different point of view. Take the time to consider all of the possibilities and perspectives.

Learn more about "Perspective"

7 - Watch Your Words

 There are a number of ways that we can easily sabotage ourselves and our relationships but one of the easiest involves how we deal with conflict. The first sign of "defensiveness" is when we start "attacking". We starting saying things like "You did this", or You said that" or the ever popular "Ya but...".

What starts out as conversations can quickly progress into conflict when we start making accusations about the other person, rather than explaining what it is that we are feeling.  Learn more "Watch Words"

8 - Take Responsibility

In every disagreement, there is never a case when one person is 100% responsible. Even in the most lopsided argument, there is always something that we could have done to deescalate or even prevent the situation from occurring.

“Let us not seek to fix the blame for the past. Let us accept our own responsibility for the future.”
                                                                                                              John Fitzgerald Kennedy
Learn more about "Own Your Part"

9 - Learn to Apologize

Making amends and knowing how to word an effective and sincere apology is essential to our overall happiness. If we know how to apologize, it will help us to reduce "baggage", and heal our relationships so that unresolved conflict does not weigh us down as we move forward through life.

The best thing to do is take responsibility for what we did. A lot of people have a lot of fear that if they take responsibility for their part, they’re taking responsibility for everything, and that is not true.

Learn more about "Apologies"    "Apology Rules"

10 - An Ounce of Prevention

The best way to avoid conflict is to get in front of it and keep it from being a part of our relationships. The easiest way to do that is to get "conscious". To understand what it is that we are doing that might be keeping drama as a constant third party in our relationships.

As mentioned here a few times, it is The Conscious Quest that can help everyone become more secure in their relationship and that added confidence will increase curiosity and reduce conflict. 

Learn More - "The Conscious Quest"

So What Does All This Mean?

The concepts discussed here are not going to eliminate problems and disagreements. The goal here is to manage the disagreements through structure and communication to keep them from turning into "fights." How couples handle conflict can determine if their arguments are either harmful to the relationship, or if they lead to results that actually bolster the relationship.

The key to reducing conflict in any relationship is to increase our level of security as it pertains to self confidence and self awareness. As we develop our own relationship skills, our defensive patterns from the past will start to decrease and we will become more aware of dealing with our triggers and emotions.

The Conscious Quest is designed specifically to assist anyone and everyone who is on the path of developing their skills as it pertains to reducing conflict in their lives and relationships.

Sometimes, despite our best fair-fighting efforts, a disagreement or conflict seems insurmountable. When this occurs, talking with a trained professional can help. A trained mediator can help you communicate more effectively and eventually work your way through to a solution.

The Conscious Quest events are fun, interactive and safe for people all all ages and relationship types.

There is even a free event that you can get started with ("Attachment Style") so that you can see what we are all about.

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The information contained on this website, blog, guest blogs, e-mails, videos, programs, services and/or products is for informational purposes only. 

It is not clinical in nature.
It is made available to you as self-help tools for your own use.
If you require professional advice, please seek it. 
 
There are no representations or warranties (express or implied), about the completeness, accuracy, reliability, suitability or availability concerning the information, products, services, or related graphics contained on this website or at any ACP event.

Any use of this information is at your own risk.... or benefit. It depends on how you use it!

The sites that we link to via hyperlinks are not under our control. Those sites are responsible for their own content, we are simply offering you more information if you care to view it.
 
The methods described on this website are the authors’ thoughts. Just some thoughts, not all of them. There is simply not a single definitive set of instructions out there for personal development or for solving relationship issues. Go explore!

You may discover there are other methods and materials to accomplish the goal that you are trying to achieve.

A Conscious Partner - Development Team

A Conscious Partner is the fun, affordable and interactive way to
discover more about yourself and others, and to answer the question:
"Why do the same things keep happening to me"!

Please feel free to contact us at any time with any questions that you may have!

bruce@aconsciouspartner.com

gisele@aconsciouspartner.com