Would you like to eliminate fighting?
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Misunderstandings-Disagreements-Arguments
Often, the issue starts out innocently enough but seems to quickly escalate. It's easy for something to be poorly communicated or taken out of context, as we all think differently!
We have different moods, different upbringings, different experiences and different perceptions of almost every subject and situation. |
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How do you handle conflict?
How does your partner handle it? We can't change how we think, but we can do a better job of understanding one another and of having a plan in place to effectively deal with issues and communicating in a positive way!
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The Rules of "Fighting Fairly"
There is lots of advice out there about fighting fairly, but in reality, until you are experienced with the process, fights just happen.
In the heat of the moment is it really possible to calm down and start following a bunch of rules?
Of course it isn't. The only way rules can work is if you know them in advance and have had some time to practice them.
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Let's use driving as an example
If nobody ever taught us the rules, what kind of chaos would there be on the roads? For example, if you were approaching a busy intersection and the traffic light suddenly turned yellow and you had to dig into the glove box for the rule book to see what you were supposed to do, what would happen? The same "collision" that occurs when we disagree with our partner and don't know the rules of fair fighting. |
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More often than not, something that isn't serious escalates into a "collision" and before we know it there is complete chaos in the relationship. There are 2 very simple reasons why this happens:
#1 - We don't follow the rules.
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Rules? What rules?
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When we all were kids, we all went to school. We learned about math and science and social studies and biology and chemistry and all of the other "subjects."
We learned how to get along in social environments, bullying, peer pressure and so much more. From our parents and friends and others, we may have learned about sports, cars, music, food, money, and even from where babies come! |
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Has anyone in your entire life ever sat you down and taught you about fighting fairly with your partner?
Have you ever, in your life, actually witnessed a couple "fighting fairly"? So how is it that you should know how to fight fairly when nobody has ever taught you the rules? |
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It's time to give yourself a break.
If you haven't been taught to fight fairly, and you've never seen it, and nobody wants to talk about it...then how can you possibly have gained the knowledge and experience necessary to do it? Especially in the heat of the moment. Oh...and your partner...he or she needs a break too. |
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So what's the first step?
The first step is understanding the rules! That's the easy part. The rules themselves are straightforward and fair. The hard part is applying the rules in the heat of the moment. Let's face it, at times, it's tough to keep your cool when you have been "wronged."
When we don't know the rules, we tend to "react" to problems based on what has "worked' for us in the past. It is ineffective. It is harmful to your relationship. It simply doesn't work.
If you are ready to move forward, let's start at the beginning. Understanding the rules.
When we don't know the rules, we tend to "react" to problems based on what has "worked' for us in the past. It is ineffective. It is harmful to your relationship. It simply doesn't work.
If you are ready to move forward, let's start at the beginning. Understanding the rules.
The Ten Commandments of "Fighting Fairly"
(Click to open!! They are written in stone!)
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# 1 - Do no Harm
The first and most important commandment is not to do or say anything that is meant to hurt your partner in any way. Remember, you are talking to your partner. You are on the same side. There is no argument that justifies physical or emotional harm. Take a minute and make sure you are fair. # 3 - Recognize
Take the time to identify and recognize what is happening. What is it that triggered your emotions? What is the actual problem? Are you hungry or tired or stressed? Are you distracted or in a situation that is new or unfamiliar? Do your best to take this all into account. Recognize it! # 5 - preserve trust
Avoid making idle threats like “I’m done,” “Let’s end this,” or “I want a divorce” when you’re having a disagreement. Saying these things without meaning them puts you in a position where your partner will lose trust, and you will lose integrity. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Use words wisely. # 7 - don't attack
You can criticize the problem, but never your partner. Always express your feelings as your feelings, not your thoughts. Don’t play the blame game. Own your feelings and express them in a responsible way. This is your partner you are talking to. # 9 - Avoid the 4 Horsemen
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is a metaphor depicting the end of times. They describe conquest, war, hunger, and death. Well, Dr. John Gottman says that there are four communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship. Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling. |
# 2 - Make a disagreement agreement
One way to "fight" effectively and fairly, is to make some "rules." We call it the "Disagreement Agreement." In any relationship conflict is inevitable. In calmer moments, take some time to talk with your partner about how you want to handle conflict in a positive way. # 4 - Be Sincere
It's important that the real issue is exposed. Too many times a disagreement can get sidetracked by avoiding the specific problem or "beating around the bush". Almost any problem can be addressed in a sincere manner if you put some thought into it. Deal with the issue itself. # 6 - Stay focused
Keep the discussion focused on what you’re fighting about and how your words are impacting your partner. If you and your partner are arguing about finances, don’t throw in grievances you have about parenting, in-laws, sex, or anything else that isn’t immediately relevant. Solve one issue at a time. #8 - clarify, paraphrase, confirm
When you get started into a disagreement, it is important to clarify the actual problem. Your partner expresses the issue. You paraphrase it back to make sure that you understand. Your partner confirms. Keep going until you get it right. #10 - Don't try to win
For one of you to win, the other would have to lose. You are partners. Think about it... if one loses, you both lose. A disagreement should never be about controlling your partner or vengeance. Don't fight for the win, fight for the relationship. |
The 10 Ways We Deal With Conflict
Conflict occurs suddenly, and we tend to react based on our patterns from the past.
Which ways do you react?
Which ways does your partner react?
Can you pick out how others in your life deal with conflict?
Which ways does your partner react?
Can you pick out how others in your life deal with conflict?
(Click to open!)
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The Avoider
The Collaborator
The Empath
The Sulker
The vindictive
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The Bully
The Compromiser
The Explorer
The Victim
The Winner
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Learn more about each of these types;
Avoider Bully Collaborator Compromiser Empath Explorer Sulker Victim Vindictive Winner
Avoider Bully Collaborator Compromiser Empath Explorer Sulker Victim Vindictive Winner
Relationship Killers:
Avoider - Bully - Sulker - Victim - Vindictive - Winner
Avoider - Bully - Sulker - Victim - Vindictive - Winner
Styles that have benefits, but also drawbacks:
Compromiser - Empath - Explorer
Compromiser - Empath - Explorer
The best method to handle conflict:
Collaborator
Collaborator
Conflict of some nature in every relationship is unavoidable, but that does not mean it cannot be dealt with, and possibly diffused, if handled in a reasonable way. Personal behavior during conflict is best handled with a combination of assertiveness, empathy, compassion, and collaboration.
Now For the Hard Part
Seeing the rules and learning the rules is easy. Putting the rules into practice...not so much! It might take many years of consistent practice to develop these skills. It might not....but it will take some commitment.
It is important to learn the rules and to practice them.
Yes, it is hard in the beginning. It feels unnatural. It feels forced. It may even feel like you are a child again. Unfortunately, that is how it feels when you try anything new. The difference is, this isn't learning how to skate or how to make an omelette or ride a bull or play a new computer game. This is learning how to communicate with your partner at the most difficult of times.
It's worth the effort. It's worth feeling small for a while. In time, with a little practice, some focus and some mistakes, it will become easy.
It is important to learn the rules and to practice them.
Yes, it is hard in the beginning. It feels unnatural. It feels forced. It may even feel like you are a child again. Unfortunately, that is how it feels when you try anything new. The difference is, this isn't learning how to skate or how to make an omelette or ride a bull or play a new computer game. This is learning how to communicate with your partner at the most difficult of times.
It's worth the effort. It's worth feeling small for a while. In time, with a little practice, some focus and some mistakes, it will become easy.
The 2nd Commandment! - Make an Agreement!
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The second of the 10 commandments of fair fighting pertains to coming up with an "agreement" about how you will disagree.
Every couple may have their own way of determining a process for getting things solved, but for those who don't, here are some elements to consider to help figure out your "Disagreement Agreement." Click below to see a "Sample Disagreement Agreement" 
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The Conflict Connection - Some tips for ways to handle conflict:
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Do you have a safe and effective way to gently but effectively let your partner know that they have said something that might lead to conflict? The goal would be to hopefully stop an argument before it even starts. You might want to consider adopting the "Ouch/Oops" method into your relationship. It's pretty simple. Learn more about "Ouch/Oops."
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Do you listen to hear? Or do you listen to respond? If you are preparing a response in your head before your partner is done talking, you are likely listening to respond. Stop that. Listen. It is important that we listen to both hear AND understand. Have you ever heard of reflective listening? It's about making sure that your response includes what you feel is the real concern that your partner is trying to express. Learn more about "Reflective Listening".
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Too many arguments breakdown into "You did...," You said..." "You made me feel..." Sentences starting with "I" are more productive. For example..."I feel this way...," "I was hurt when..." Also, too many responses start with the defensive "Ya..But..." Defensiveness is one of The 4 Horsemen, a relationship killer. Learn more about "Defensiveness."
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As an issue is getting discussed, do you stay on a single topic? Or does the "kitchen sink" get tossed in...problems from last week, last year, 10 years ago.... things not relevant to this particular conversation at all? It's called a "Red Herring." Stay focused on the issue at hand. One issue at a time. Learn more about "Red Herrings."
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Do you make sure that you both understand the issue by clarifying, paraphrasing and then confirming the point that is trying to be made? When your partner says something, respond by clarifying what they said before you respond. Reword it so that you are sure that you understand. It can make a big difference! Learn more about "Clarify."
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Do you take responsibility for your part in the situation, no matter how small? Taking accountability isn't easy. It takes the courage to engage in introspection, humility and true honesty. It means owning up to a problem to which you contributed even just a little. It means having the guts to attempt to fix what you did, no matter how small. Learn more about "Responsibility."
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Do you know what a real apology is? Doing it right can go a long way to repair a disconnection following a fight. An apology must be sincere, must not include the word "But," must focus only on your actions, must make no requests or demands and it requires you to be serious about not repeating the action. Learn more about "Apologies."
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Never take another person's dignity. It is worth everything to them and nothing to you. Do you allow your partner to "Save Face"? Saving face is preserving one's status after a failure, mistake or disagreement. When couples get into arguments, they often get caught up in trying to prove themselves right and each other the "loser." When one loses, the relationship loses. Learn more about "Saving Face."
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Once the issue has been understood, and apologies have been given, it's important to discover a way to prevent the situation from occurring in the future. Take some time to discuss what happened, and why it happened, and try to come up with a way to keep it from happening again. Learn more about "Solution."
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Do you have a "Reset" method so that you can both move forward? Your partner needs to know that they are still respected, admired and appreciated. It is vital to let your partner know that you not only still love them...but that you still "Like" them. Learn more about "Resetting."
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So what does all this mean?
The concepts discussed here are not going to eliminate problems and disagreements. The goal here is to manage the disagreements through structure and communication to keep them from turning into "fights." How couples handle conflict can determine if their arguments are either harmful to the relationship, or if they lead to results that actually bolster the relationship.
Sometimes, despite our best fair-fighting efforts, a disagreement or conflict seems insurmountable. When this occurs, talking with a trained professional can help. A trained mediator can help you communicate more effectively and eventually work your way through to a solution.
If you would like to learn some of these skills for a fraction of the cost of counseling, consider attending one of our "Conflict Growthshops".
Sometimes, despite our best fair-fighting efforts, a disagreement or conflict seems insurmountable. When this occurs, talking with a trained professional can help. A trained mediator can help you communicate more effectively and eventually work your way through to a solution.
If you would like to learn some of these skills for a fraction of the cost of counseling, consider attending one of our "Conflict Growthshops".
What if my partner doesn't want to fight fairly?
Whether or not your partner wants to fight fairly should have no impact on your decision to do so. In fact, it is even more important that you fight fairly when your partner will not participate. As long as you are fair and as long as you can have a basis for your approach, it should reduce the chances that a disagreement will escalate.
You will be faced with some decisions along the way, but in the short term you can be proud that you have done what was right for you. Learn more about "Fighting alone".
You will be faced with some decisions along the way, but in the short term you can be proud that you have done what was right for you. Learn more about "Fighting alone".
where would you like to go next ?
Chemistry
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Conflict
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Emotional
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Financial
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Lifestyle
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Physical
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Sexual
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Spiritual
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If you have found any of this interesting or helpful and would like to learn more, our "Conflict" growthshop is a great way to have some fun and develop your conflict skills in a relaxed setting.
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